Will Smith Saves A Strike-Plagued Hollywood From Year-End Disaster
We knew that Hollywood wouldn't allow itself to limp out of 2007 on the back of a crippled, armored polar bear—celebrate the studios' late-year resurrection with a quick perusal of the weekend's box office numbers:
1. I Am Legend - $76.535 million
If there was any question that Will Smith is the Biggest Movie Star in the World, (a title we're fond of ironically bestowing upon the likes of Shia LeBeouf when slow weekends at the multiplex briefly brighten Hollywood's lesser lights), let I Am Legend remove all remaining doubt. In perhaps his most impressive achievement yet, Smith saved a turnaround-plagued project, gave it a a Castaway meets 28 Days Later spin by substituting an adorable German Shepherd for a volleyball given life-force by a blood-smeared smiley face, and shattered™ the December opening weekend record once held by Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King.
And just to add to the degree of difficulty of his amazing feat, Smith demanded that his zombie pursuers be cut-and-pasted from a first-generation Resident Evil game, a move that ensured that on the Monday morning after his latest triumph we would all marvel at his ability to overcome the handicap of a supporting cast of hundreds of low-rent CGI co-stars. Join us in genuflecting before our box office king.
2. Alvin and the Chipmunks - $45 million
Thank you, Fox, for giving Jason Lee the opportunity to redeem himself after the cartoon-adaptation disaster that was Underdog.
3. The Golden Compass - $9.025 million
Knowing that The Golden Compass has already died a box office death in America, New Line is redeploying its resources on the still-vital international market. At Compass's recent premiere in her Australian homeland, the studio sent Nicole Kidman to perform a daring promotional stunt to raise awareness of the film: having her attempt to twist her Botox-paralyzed face into something resembling a smile; TV cameras from every Aussie news outlet were on hand to capture Kidman's dramtic red carpet collapse after ten heroic seconds of facial exertion.
4. Enchanted - $6.004 million
5. No Country For Old Men - $3 million
We're just trying to come to grips with the fact that we live in a world where the best movie of the year was out-grossed by a Justin Long voiceover vehicle by a 15-to-1 margin.
