Who Would You Bump Off Now That New Jersey's Banned Executions?
If you feel like killing someone, make sure you do it in Jersey—starting today all you'll get for it is a roof over your head and three square meals a day for the rest of your life. (Also: the inability to walk more than 6 steps in one direction.) If we were us, which we may very well still be, and in a particularly vengeful state of mind, which we also may be, we'd want dibs on whoever miscalculates our ConEd bill every single fucking month. And maybe that little smart mouth from our fourth grade class who taunted kids by saying "I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you." Also totally worth it—people who don't seem to understand that sidewalks in New York City operate the same way as major highways. Dawdle in the passing lane on the left at your own peril, got it? But surely there are better candidates for a one-way ticket to the afterlife under our sister state's friendly new policy?
