This image was lost some time after publication.

You're a spaz with the ribbons and paper. And of course, as an engineer it's all about optimizing for my time, etc. Don't show up with sloppy giftwrap this year. Take your gifts to the nearest poshtastic shopping center and let someone who knows what they're doing handle it. I called ahead for you, and Gridskipper helpfully mapped out the coordinates.

San Francisco

Gump's
135 Post Street
San Francisco, CA

Considered the best by fussy upscalers. They'll also wrap non-Gumps purchases.

Westfield San Francisco Centre
865 Market St.
San Francisco, CA

Papyrus, on the 3rd floor. While you're almost there, may I recommend the top-floor spa to get away from the holiday craziness. Bring lots of cash for that.

Macy's
170 O'Farrell St.
San Francisco, CA

Go to the 6th floor of the main store, not the separate menswear building. They'll gladly wrap your non-Macy's purchases for a few bucks.

That other part of San Francisco

Macy's
1 Stonestown Mall
San Francisco, CA

Again, they'll wrap non-Macy's purchases for a tiny fee.

Palo Alto

Stanford Shopping Center
680 Stanford Shopping Center
Palo Alto, CA

WaMu — the bank, not the killer whale — has an outdoor stand in the center of the mall near Abercrombie & Fitch.

San Jose

There are two gift spots. One by Nordstrom's, and one by the food court and Armani Exchange, where you should ask if they carry Armani (Red) sunglasses for Africa and if they don't, tell them Bono and I are personally hurt.

Westfield Valley Fair
2855 Stevens Creek Blvd.
San Jose, CA

East Bay

Bayfair Center
15555 14th St.
San Leandro, CA

Don't go to Bay Street in Emeryville. They told me to go to Bayfair. No one answers the phone at Bayfair, so I haven't verified this one.