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In the ever-evolving canon of celebrity sex tapes, neither a pseudo-Lindsay Lohan nor a canny Kristin Davis nor anyone since Pamela and Tommy likely have anything on Marilyn Monroe, whom the Post reports today was featured on a newly unearthed stag reel performing oral sex. Or maybe it's Marilyn Monroe. We're not so sure ourselves.

The 15-minute, 16mm film, dated around the early '50s, apparently stars a "smiling" Monroe servicing an anonymous subject; New York memorabilia collector Keya Morgan, who recently sold the movie for $1.5 million, is said to have tracked it down through some investigative work that went all the way through the FBI:

The feds eventually confiscated the original footage - but not before [an] informant made a copy of it, which is what was just sold by his son, Morgan said.

There are heavily redacted, declassified FBI documents talking about a "French-type" film. They state the informant "exhibited [to agents] a motion picture which depicted deceased actress Marilyn Monroe committing a perverted act upon a unknown male," Morgan said. ...

According to the documents, "Former baseball star Joseph DiMaggio in the past had offered [the informant] $25,000 for this film, it being the only one in existence, but he refused the offer.

"Source advised that [redacted name of the mole] informed them that he had obtained this film prior to the time Marilyn Monroe had achieved stardom."

Which is where we're kind of lost. As noted this morning by Jeffrey Wells, Monroe already had a career going by 1950; the Post story cites other documents stressing that FBI director J. Edgar Hoover sought "in the mid-'60s" to prove the unidentified man was John F. Kennedy or Robert Kennedy, placing its provenance even later. That sprawling timeline, along with the fact that publicity-loving Morgan and his alleged buyer — identified only as a "wealthy New York businessman" — are the only ones who've seen the film, leave us a little skeptical. No one in this day and age would would think to perpetrate a sex-tape hoax, would they?