In my time, we had famous, celebrat'd men known as playwrights. Today, these savants are known as "baristas," or "homeless people." The most famous of all, Sir William Shakespeare, in an early draft of one of his most famous sonnets, wrote: "All the world's a stage, and it's time for some of you to get the fuck off." Appropriate, methinks. Past yonder jump hang this week's condemned.

Executed: Heather Fink
Crime: The French Pox hath infeckt'd her brain

Executed: Some Of My Best Friends Are People
Crime: General Arseholery

Executed: Kathleen Turner Overdrive
Crime: Strident, Unfunny Racism

Executed: Jaded NYer
Crime: A Thorough Missing of the Point

Executed: Bedroom Accountant
Crime: Illiterate Sexism

O, the gallows' thirst is slaked today! Which means some of you got a pass, for I ran out of nooses. So, as they say, assemble your excrement in an orderly manner. I'll be watching. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Douglas, Ryan, or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.