Hey! Edit This!
Do you ever feel that your editor is making a mockery out of your work? Sometimes they just don't understand. The Raleigh News & Observer sends up an imagined editing of a recent NYT story. [Which NYT story? Specify!]
Remember this article, "The Language of Loss for the Jobless," by Jan Hoffman?
The neighbor, a jovial suit-and-tie presence at the school bus stop in the mornings, disappeared for a while last fall. Nobody saw him for weeks. Finally he began to venture out — at afternoon pickup, in jeans and a T-shirt. A senior manager of a technology department, he had been laid off. Neighbors didn't know what to say to him.
Across the soccer fields of leafy suburbia, conversations are stilted these days; the bravado has a tinny ring, the gallows humor is more prevalent, the deft change of topic more abrupt. As classes let out at a city private school, a normally chatty top-of-the-heap woman, whose banker husband was recently escorted out of his office building, rushes in, sweeps up her child and dashes off, avoiding glances.
Here's how it might have been edited by a humorless editor. Har, har!
The neighbor [what neighbor? please put in full name per our style manual], a jovial suit-and-tie presence at the school bus stop [what bus stop? can you put in cross streets to orient the reader, or at least the neighborhood name] in the mornings, disappeared for a while last fall [why are we leading with 6-month old news? can't you lead off with something fresher than last fall's layoff?]. Nobody saw him for weeks [nobody? you mean he never left his house? have you verified with the homeowners association?]. Finally he began to venture out — at afternoon pickup [unclear: is that a pickup basketball game, or picking up a take-out pizza?], in jeans and a T-shirt [of what relevance are these clothes? get to the point and get out of the way]. A senior manager of a technology department [company name please], he had been laid off. Neighbors didn't know what to say to him. [how many neighbors did you interview to substantiate this general assertion?]
Across the soccer fields of leafy suburbia, conversations are stilted these days [can you cite an expert to back this up? the reader doesn't care about your impressions]; the bravado has a tinny ring [says who?], the gallows humor is more prevalent [more prevalent than what?], the deft change of topic more abrupt [huh? what government agency, what nonprofit study, what journalistically accepted official source is the basis for these claims?]. As classes let out at a city private school, a normally chatty top-of-the-heap woman [is this a real person? if so, please name her], whose banker husband was recently escorted out of his office building [name of firm, please, per style manual], rushes in, sweeps up her child and dashes off, avoiding glances. [did you, or anyone, witness this sweep-and-scoop maneuver?]
