HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You look nervous. Is it the scars? You wanna know how we got 'em? Come here. Look at us. One night, we couldn't sleep, so we turn on QVC. They're pushing something called the Facial Flex Facial Exercise and Toning Kit. We figure, "Why not? Our jowls could use some tautening." So it comes in the mail, see—but the first time we use it, something goes wrong. Very, Very wrong. Now we always see the funny side! We're always smiling! Hey—who's up for box office numbers! HAHAHAHAHA!
1. The Dark Knight - $155.34 million $158.3 million
We apologize for the wraparound glitch currently affecting our The Dark Knight Opening Weekend Take Billboardtron, as the outmoded technology that runs it was barely capable of handling the $151.1 million record previously held by Spider-Man 3—now, nothing but a vaguely arachnoid splat on the pavement, smooshed beyond recognition by the monster tires of a revving Bat-Hog.
For those who were lucky enough to catch one of the completely sold-out IMAX screenings across the country, or even those who had to endure a regular theater showing—bitterly conscious of the fact that its grim, cobalt nihilism was only fully appreciable in 1.43:1 aspect ratio on a screen the size of a Hoover Dam—it's now merely a matter of letting the film's deep messages about the Current State of the World (we're not exactly sure what they are—but boy are they bleak!) sink in. For everyone else, we suggest merely plugging your ears and shouting, "NO DARK KNIGHT SPOILERS!!!" at no one in particular until that snooty operator at The Bridge Cinemas says something besides, "I'm sorry, monsieur, but we can't possibly squeeze you in until mid-September, and even then, it's on a 27-inch LCD TV temporarily set up in the manager's office. Can I put you down for two?"
BREAKING: The Biggest, Battiest Opening Weekend Ever Ever™ is actually bigger than was previously estimated: Variety is now reporting Chris Nolan's movie took in $158.3 million.
2. Mamma Mia! - $27.605 million
While that number seems like a blip on the bat-sonar by comparison, the weekend's frothier option—a movie of the hit ABBA musical starring Meryl Streep, Amanda Seyfried, and the strange sounds coming out of Pierce Brosnan's larynx—had a solid showing that managed to break a record of its own: beating Hairspray for biggest opening weekend for a musical. While the big screen version veered slightly off from the source material—it turns out her daughter was sired by none of the three potential ex-flames, but was conceived immaculately by God himself—it does set up the holiday sequel, Xmas Mia!, quite nicely.
3. Hancock - $14 million
Realizing they'd have to turn away thousands at the DK doors, clever theater owners pushed Hancock as a viable superhero movie alternative, posting quotes from P. Diddy's glowing review of the Will Smith hit—"FUCK BATMAN, SUPERMAN, ROBIN WITH HIS BITCHASS, UNDERDOG AND THE MUTT MOTHERFUCKER. HANCOCK BITCHES. HANCOCK" on standees by the ticket counter.
5. Hellboy II: The Golden Army - $10,038,000
Tumbling 71% to fifth-place in its second week, the superhero proved no match for his utility-belted counterpart; more humiliation was to come when Borat trotted up to him and accused the nether-worldly creature with the filed-down devil horns of being nothing more than a mischief-making Jew in disguise.
7. Space Chimps - $7.3 million
Wall-E's inbred, simian cousins floundered at the box office, a largely indifferent public sentencing them to be hurtled off into oblivion, banging helplessly on the glass-paneled prison of their spacefaring-monkey Phantom Zone.
