Alex Kuczynski Wants His Wood
Times orgy-loving rich lady Alex Kuczynski is fascinated with wood. Not just any wood, you see, but fashionable wood, old and knotty, the sort of wood driven across the country at great expense and used to erect a new home by some jerk who tore down his old home for not looking old enough. The topic of "reclaimed" wood raises all kinds of potentially interesting issues around the environment, design and class in America, but of course Alex is interested in none of that. She is focused on the big strong man who will give her his wood if she pays him enough money:
"This is a Doug fir," he said, using wood-man lingo for Douglas fir.
Oooh, inside jargon! After tasting the lumberjack's salty lingo, Alex begins working his old, hard trunk:
I ran my hands across its width, feeling the ridges of decades upon decades, stopping at the heart of the trunk, a pale circle the circumference of my pinky that represented its first year of life.
"So, could someone just come in and by this?" I asked.
Birch shook his head... "It would have to be the right client, with the right idea..."
"Even for, like, $100,000?"
He shook his head again.
Six figures for some many-decades-old wood? Alex is clearly desperate to pound some, uh, nails before her surrogate baby comes and ends all her wood-related fun.
Kuczynski goes on to talk to this poor man about his wood for many more paragraphs than is strictly necessary. We never find out if he sells her his wood, only that she titled her T magazine piece "Fir Fetish."
