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Until the inevitable reports that the whole thing was rigged to help square up with tax collectors in Michigan, we're more than happy to spread the all-call for a copy of a rumored sex tape featuring Josh Hartnett and an unidentified lady friend in London. The duo was reportedly caught by closed-circuit security cameras during a tryst in a hotel library; a handful of spies gathered around, only to squirm in "awkward silence" as the rendezvous dragged on. Yeah, right — we've known our share of scheming limeys in our time, and that silence was clearly just a front for plotting the inevitable procural and sale of said tape to the highest bidder. And right on cue, the Paramount Pictures of celebrity sex-tape distributors made it clear what those terms might be:

Adult production company Red Light District is offering $500,000 for the rights to distribute a video of actor Josh Harnett having sex with an unidentified female friend in a London hotel library. ... “[W]e encourage the owners of the tape to bring it to us,” said David Joseph, CEO of Red Light District. “Josh shouldn’t be embarrassed. As we’ve seen with Paris Hilton, these tapes can make a career not hurt it and since Josh is considered a sex symbol, we would expect women to help increase sales.”

We wouldn't go that far, but you could reasonably call the film a potential win-win all around: Red Light gets its masterpiece; an anonymous schlub in London gets paid; and Hartnett gets his leading-man role to end all leading-man roles. No more Black Dahlia embarrassments here — this is Dustin Diamond and Verne Troyer territory, the realm where stars are born, liens are paid and dirty sanchezes are handed out like candy. And 30 years from now? If Hartnett plays his cards right, the porn-icon treatment in Time Magazine. A guy can dream, after all — and someone out there can help. You know who you are.