Last night was the first preview of the Katie Holmes-starring revival of All My Sons—a critic-proof production that will be remembered less for bringing new insights to the classic Arthur Miller text than it will be for hosting the most spectacular female celebrity disappearance since the days of Amelia Earhart and Shelley Long. (She'll first have to figure out a way to sever the 3000-mile-long, indestructible microfiber restraint tethered to her ankle, rigged to reel her in at the press of the button if she so strays so much as 15 feet from her Church-approved, "apartment-Barneys-theater" travel route.) Tom Cruise was largely credited with captaining the deafening standing ovation that met her bows—rich in first-pumps, index-finger #1s, and "It's all you tonight!" points towards the stage—until one handler had to pull the actor aside to quietly explain that the 78-year-old emphysema-sufferer seated in a wheelchair next to him was physically unable to, quote, "C'mon—get on your feet grandma and show my little lady some love!" From the AP report:

When asked for his verdict on Holmes' performance, Cruise stopped for a moment while moving through the crowd at the Gerald Schoenfeld Theatre on Thursday night, telling The Associated Press: "Did you see it? ... It was extraordinary."

The audience collectively gasped when Cruise entered the theater moments before the curtain went up. While anti-Scientology protesters demonstrated outside, the movie star — and Hollywood's most famous Scientologist — mingled and shook hands with some other theatergoers who took photos and clapped. He then hugged Dustin Hoffman, who was sitting a few rows away, which drew another cheer inside the theater. [...] Not among the observers: the roughly 30 Scientology protesters from a group called Anonymous who demonstrated before the show behind a barricade, loudly chanting "Scientology kills!" Some wore masks like in the movie "V for Vendetta," and one poster read: "FREE KATIE."

Below, video from the Anonymous protest: