New Cellulite Zapper Tackles Reporter's Ass
It's the biggest curse of womankind—eclipsing PMS, childbirth, bikini waxing, mandatory starvation, sharing a gender with Gwyneth Paltrow, and earning 75 cents to a man's dollar—and yet modern technology still hasn't figured out a way to eradicate cellulite. It is, however, doing its best, and the latest gizmo that promises to de-ripple butts and thighs is the Smoothshapes laser, which is being promoted by dermatologist Neil Sadick and which Oprah magazine's Valerie Monroe road-tests for our edification.
So what does the procedure actually involve? Our reporter spares no details of the sacrifice she undertook in the name of research, an experience that will cost you $2,100 should the following sound alluring:
Twice a week for four weeks I submitted to the labors of a slight young woman who rolled a handpiece connected by a hose to a machine that looks like R2-D2 over my bottom and upper legs, ten minutes on each side. The handpiece, which resembles a kind of iron with rollers on the bottom, emits the light and laser energy at the same time that a vacuum between the rollers grabs the skin and sucks it up; the skin, underlying fat, and collagen are heated and zapped and then released by the vacuum. The procedure can feel like a strong deep-tissue massage—or, when I was in a less imaginative or more sensitive mood, like someone Hoovering my ass.
But Valerie, don't keep us in suspense: Does it work? Were you transformed from cottage cheese to alabaster? Well, she says she saw no difference in the mirror, but when the before and after photos were compared: "I gasped: It was remarkable. The skin looked much smoother and tighter."
Sadly, she was apparently too shy to allow the publication of the before and afters—making her the last woman in media to possess any concept of modesty, which will obviously doom her career—but we're choosing to believe her. Because we just want to so much.
