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Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the Somali man accused of hijacking an American cargo ship and holding its captain hostage, arrived in New York last night, the footage of which you've probably seen 273 times on the news by now. He was all smiles when he landed on American shores, but his mood was a bit different when he appeared in court this afternoon: After telling a judge via an interpreter that he had no money to pay for a lawyer, he started to cry when his lawyers brought up his family back home in Somalia. Cry not, evil pirate! You've arrived in just the right place at just the right time.

First of all, Abduwali, you already have a famous lawyer—Ron Kuby—by your side, and for the sake of his own career, he'll do everything in his power to ensure you will remain in the news for a long time to come. If you manage to avoid a conviction, or you serve anything less than a life sentence, a reality show is a given. In fact, a Hollywood agent probably asked his assistant to find a Somali-English translator hours ago.

Your hand is seriously injured, which is no fun, but you can look forward to pretty decent medical care now that you're in an federal prison. They'll also tend to the other health ailments that must along with a life spent at sea off the coast of a Third World country. Free health care is your right in America. But only if you're incarcerated. So take advantage of it. Oh, and there's a dentist available, too, if you need one.

You won't have to worry about breaking out a machine gun or machete in order to secure your next meal. The food in jail isn't good, we won't lie to you. But you probably won't know the difference since it's not as if you're used to such delicious eats, are you? Whether Kuby can help ease your homesickness by rustling up a plate of traditional, Somali-style camel meat is far from certain. (We don't know of any local Somali restaurants, offhand, but there very well could be one.) He should be able to score you some lahoh, though. If he can't, he's not trying hard enough. Remind him that there are a dozen other fame-seeking defense lawyers who would gladly hijack a cargo ship themselves for the chance at defending a high-profile fellow like you.

Finally, let's address the issue of money, especially given that was the subject that seemed to upset you most in court earlier. Since you're in federal custody in the Southern District of New York, we're guessing you'll be spending the foreseeable future at the Metropolitan Correctional Center downtown. As soon as you settle in, tell a guard you need to get in touch with inmate no. 61727-054. (Here is a photo of him, in case you spot him in the hallway.) He'll be able to take whatever spare change you arrived in America with and turn it into a fortune. Trust us.

Pirate Suspect, Now in New York, Charged as Adult [NYT]
JUDGE RULES PIRATE IS AN ADULT [NYP]