Sometimes, British news is tardy coming across the pond, and other times it simply takes us a little while to collect our composure after crushing disappointment. In this case, it's a little of both, as our longtime crush Helen Mirren has publicly returned the affections of a man who is neither her husband, Taylor Hackford, nor the chiaroscuro possessor of a raised eyebrow that is the mascot of our humble blogspot. No, instead she has fallen under the charms of noted ladykiller and purity ring-eschewer Russell Brand, and this can mean only one thing: trouble.Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

He said of Helen, infamous for getting her kit off for the camera: "She is so hot. There's something about her that drives me wild. "She's so sexy and enchanting, just look at her form. "They're going to have to hold me back when we start work. I'll be all over her. I don't know how I'll get any work done."

Eventually, the Mail caught up with the cougar in question, who purred:

"I heard Russell fancies me. I fancy him too," [Mirren] told us. "I mean, who can resist a man that looks so good in tight trousers. He's absolutely lovely."

Helen and Russell, while we adore you separately, we fear that a potential union between you two could end badly; after all, think of all the cocaine, date rapes, and water sports you've worked so hard to put behind you! To become romantically entangled would only bring those bad habits back to the forefront, so we must politely ask that you stay with your previous partners (Mirren with Hackford, and Brand with his elephant vagina) before the British film industry is brought down by a debilitating storm of naughty randiness.