No federal charges will be filed against former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Spitzer slept with a prostitute, a million years ago last March, after a little more than a year on the job. He was in danger of federal charges because he paid for his ladyfriend, Ms. Ashley Dupre, to travel across state lines, a violation of the ridiculous and archaic Mann Act, and also because he might've done some weird illegal stuff with the money he used to pay the prostitution ring. The US Attorney for New York has a funny statement:

Eliot Spitzer has acknowledged to this Office that he was a client of, and made payments to, the Emperors Club VIP. Our investigation has shown that on multiple occasions, Mr. Spitzer arranged for women to travel from one state to another state to engage in prostitution. After a thorough investigation, this Office has uncovered no evidence of misuse of public or campaign funds. In addition, we have determined that there is insufficient evidence to bring charges against Mr. Spitzer for any offense relating to the withdrawal of funds for, and his payments to, the Emperors Club V.I.P.

God, Spitzer was a moron. We are all grateful to him, though, for providing some cheap laughs and also giving us this awesome blind black governor we have now, who we'll keep, thank you very much.

Nowadays sad Spitzer spends all his time wandering around Manhattan getting laughed at and feeling sorry for himself and instructing his few remaining political allies to try to convince everyone that Spitzer foresaw and could've stopped the economic meltdown.