Esquire can now retire their esteemed old "What I've Learned..." feature. Paris Hilton has filled out the questionnaire, and once you find out that someone has a nightclub in their house, there's just no topping it.

Some choice selections from the interview (is that what it is?) with the proto-fameball reality smear:

I was the oldest granddaughter. Everyone was so excited that I was born, they would always take pictures of me. My grandma would call me Marilyn Monroe or Grace Kelly. Ever since I was little, it's what I knew I wanted to do—be a blond icon.

I don't know why everyone wants to be famous. To make a living, I guess. Maybe they think it's an easy job.

Once I've worn a dress, I can never wear it again. I give them to charities and they auction them off to help people with breast cancer, multiple sclerosis, and AIDS. Some that are really, really special, I keep in storage for my daughters. They'll be vintage by then. I think my daughters will love them.

The best thing I've ever bought with money is my house. I call it my Paris Palace. It's beautiful. Every room has beautiful crystal chandeliers and amazing moldings from Italy. When people come over they say, "Hey, this looks just like you."

Having a nightclub in your house really helps for having a party, because then you don't need to go out.

Why Paris? Why now?

Whatever. Merry Christmas!

What I've Learned: Paris Hilton [Esquire]