Perez Hilton, dark pink lady of the semen-stained celebrity gossip racket, has written a book! Sort of! Mostly some dude shaped his silly stories into a readable narrative. Or so Perez tells Jesse Oxfeld.

Yeah, Jesse! He interviewed the newly not-so-rotund Hilton for The Daily Beast (how fitting!) and got the maven to spew some of his same old shit—shit that celebrates idiocy and aspirational grubbiness, as emboldened by the lives of the saints "hiltons," a term he's "coined" to describe the talentless wonders who market themselves into various forms of frothy sadness.

And you give twelve steps to becoming one.

The first one in the book is “be a skinny bitch,” and that’s one that I took to heart this past year. I probably lost over 50 pounds. I’d rather be Nicole Richie than Kirstie Alley any day. And it’s one of the harsh realities if you want to be a hilton. Another is, you’ve go to put the “ho” in Hollywood. If you’re a D-lister, one of the easiest ways to increase your own fame is to date up. Look at Katie Holmes. She pretty much was, I’d say, like C-minus before she started dating Tom Cruise. Now they’re married, having a baby, and she’s pretty high up there. Or Miley Cyrus. You can never be too young to unleash your inner ho.

You had a co-writer on the book. How much of that work did you do?

Jared Shapiro, who’s the news editor at Life & Style—I actually knew him from years ago when we worked at Star magazine together. He would just talk with me for hours at a time, transcribe everything I’d say, send it over to me. I’d tweak things, I’d send it back to him, he’d send it back to me, so it kind of worked like that.

So did he basically shaped it out of stories that you told him?

We shaped it together.

Hm! "Shaped together"! Like he and his fat doctor recently... um, shaped... him... together. I. Uh. Never mind.