We brought this on ourselves. Mere days ago, we wondered, "Why are there no leaked pictures of Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Cobra Commander in G.I. Joe?" And oh, how the internet obliged!

An entire batch of character file cards were obtained by HissTank.com, a Joe-devoted website whose URL looks very different without selective capitalization. The cards, whose photography and costumes suggest they were taken in a child's basement, reveal Gordon-Levitt (to our left as an origin story version of Cobra Commander), Christopher Eccleston (below, as a pre-masked Destro), and many, many more paycheck-seeking actors. We've included some of the corniest here; print them out, affix them to popsicle sticks, and then play your own game of Joe where the real battle is over whose quotes will be significantly lower after this film comes out in August.