Today we have sad old actors and check bouncers. And also everyone is on cocaine. Absolutely everyone everywhere. Well done, everybody.

1) "Which pro athlete's actress-girlfriend is going to be less than pleased when she discovers he's sleeping with college girls on the side?" [NYDN]

2) "Which British star hates the gym so much that the only way she can face the treadmill is by taking two lines of coke pre-workout?" [MIrror]

3) "This annoying C list film actor who used to be list still has B list name recognition and is still just as annoying as he was at the height of his fame. Basically limited to guest spots now, our actor still thinks he is a big deal. When he invites women back to his house they get to spend time in his special bedroom. This bedroom is covered entirely in photos and posters of himself. When he has concluded his time with whatever woman has decided to take him up on his offer he insists on giving them his autograph on a photo of himself from ten years ago." [CDaN]

4) "The honeymoon is already over for this newly married duo. When hubby got caught flirting with a delivery girl and dishing out a $100 tip, his misses flipped." [Star]

5) "Which B-list television actress is bouncing checks everywhere she goes? She switched to checks after her credit cards were denied. Rumor is all the money she makes is going toward piles of little white powder.

It's not Katherine Heigl." [BlindGossip]