EW reported the other day that Chris Brown was looking to hire a crisis expert, and we imagine that the guru's first advice to him was, "Maybe apologize? For that thing you did? Finally?"

At least, it would account for the statement Brown issues this weekend, a full week after his alleged beating of Rihanna occurred:

"Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God's help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writings under my name are frauds."

We're surprised that Brown's high-powered, celeb-wizened attorney Mark Geragos didn't put out a statement sooner, but then, perhaps the Brown team was waiting for all the angry SuperPokes to hit critical mass first.

Those left bereft at Brown's apology can look forward to the one surely forthcoming from Project Runway winner Christian Siriano, who happily blathered on to TMZ paparazzi about how Rihanna must have provoked Brown's attack on her. Perhaps Siriano should have taken a cue from the formidably pissed Jay-Z, who surely chewed off the inside of his cheek while issuing understatements like, "I just think we should all support [Rihanna]," instead of what he really wanted to say, "Chris. Brown. Is. FUCKED. (Personally, by me, hopefully in the near future.)"