Today we have a closeted jack-off (or something), a Scrooge-like celebrity woman, a call girl struggling actress, and the worst blind item ever written by humans. (Not monkeys, Delonas!)

1) "Which closeted jack-of-all-trades just became secretly engaged to her girlfriend? Word is, the two will wed soon in N.J." [NYDN]

2) "Who's the celeb so stingy she wouldn't put her hand in her pocket to pay for a Britney ticket... but had the cheek to get her assistant to try every trick in the book to get them for free so she could take her friends?" [Mirror]

3) "This C list actress with a name that really stands out has generally made good movies. She gets many more offers than she actually accepts. She could easily be an upper B list actress if she wanted to but she enjoys her private life too much to change anything except for the perfect role. Our actress in fact, makes substantially more money as a result of her private life than she probably ever would amass as an actress despite the always rave reviews of her acting talent. She he has been in this space before for her, how shall I say this, her willingness to provide an experience to certain other members of the film community. Now, she has added to her stable a woman who has been seen countless times over the past few weeks with this Academy Award nominated A list movie actor who must enjoy being treated like crap because that is exactly what this woman specializes in for her male clients. Of course our C list actress arranges the meetings and thus also gets a significant percentage of the fee." [CDaN]

4) "Ohhh, the weather outside is frightful, but this actress' fire is so delightful. Which fire? Why, the very private fire between her legs, of course! You would never guess by looking at her that, although the curtains are blonde, the rug is now fire engine red. And, no, we're not talking about our favorite Firecrotch here. This girl is definitely only into guys, and this was a private gift to her boyfriend, who is also in the entertainment biz. He is still grinning from ear to ear about it." [Blind Gossip]