In our continuing series of guest recappers, we present a mysterious woman known only as Octavia Thundersnatch who braved one hour of insipid TV so you didn't have to.

Oh, hello, slutburgers. Wondering where your precious Richard Lawson is? Well, he's been vacuumed up by a giant demon's vagina and will be spending the rest of this week in a very gynocentric version of Hell. That leaves you with me. I'm Octavia Thundersnatch, and I'm ready to tear last night's "Gossip Girl" a new hole. Not that its plot needed any more of THOSE, am I right? HA! Oh, fuck you.

You'll remember that Chuzzles Barss snatched Georgina de Haviland up from her magical Christ plantation to ferry her back to New York City in the type of generic taxi only outlanders use. Well, the episode opens with a lovely shot of the meter, which has racked up $267 worth of mileage by the time the driver finally brings his precious charges back into civilized Manhattan. The stupid Native Americans may have traded the Isle of Manhattoes to the bastard Dutch for a handful of pinecones (did you know the Dutch invented scalping? It's true), but these days access to our sooty sextopia is far more esssssspensive. Not that $267 really means a lot to Our Chuck. He shits $267,000,000 before breakfast each morning, and then feeds it to the hounds, the ghastly ghostly ones only he can see, the ones ever-nipping at his ankles, their eyes glowing red with the blood-lust. One day the shit-hounds will get him, destroy him forever and reclaim the soul he promised to them in a time before knowing, but for now they just want his filthy offal, and his stinking human fear.

Chuck offers Georgie some booze, but she says nay, because of Jesus. Then Chuck says he will be her father figure, and also her preacher teacher, and that he will be the one who loves her, til the end of…time. Then Georgina says, "I eat men like air" and turns into a bat and flies out the window, hell-bent on finding GOOP Paltrow and chomping on her carotid artery.

Back at Fuckstick Manor, Lillian Rhodes, who owns Rhodesia and all its Ridgebacks, attempts to give her only-begotten daughter, Serena, a family heirloom. It's a diamond bracelet, and when Serena looks at it, she shrieks.

"What is it, Serena?" Lily gasps.

"BLOOD!" Serena wails, gnashing her teeth and sex-grinding the armchair. "All I see is BLOOD!" Then Lily reminds her that only black children died for these baubles, and Serena calms down. Everyone continues to ignore the giant Prada Marfa sign, which actually came from an art installation in Marfa, Texas, didn't you know? Bart Bass used to fuck Donald Judd, real hard and dry-style, like the hardscrabble land that inspired that great artist. And anyway, sometimes when Bart and Don were just hanging out, having a lovers' tryst, while little Chuck scampered around in the background playing with pieces of rusty barbed wire, the lovers would go art-shopping in and around the greater Marfa metropolitan area. And one day, they found this funny comment on materialism, and now it hangs on Dead Bart's wall. And in Geigh Heaven, he and Donald play all day in the green green meadow where rain never falls and stocks never dip and everywhere, always, they are smiling.

Mmkayz, Serena calls Blair to be all, "B, we need to find Gabriel, I've got a plan!" and B is all, "I'm wearing a very bright coat and don't want to fuck my boyfriend, I'll be right there!" And Nate is all, "Are you gonna move in with me and help me live this lie, this outrageous lie?" And Blair's all, "Maybs. Got to jam." So Nate says he's coming with, and Blair just rolls her eyes and is like, suck iiiiiiiiiiit. And Stone Cold Steve Austin shows up and then everyone smells what the Rock is cookin'.

The Travelin' Humphreys are walkin' ‘round the Upper East Side, a-headin' fer brunchers wit' dem folks whut gots all the green papers with the kings of America on ‘em. Rufus is humming. Dan points out that a disgusting immigrant lady was disgusted by disgusting Rufus on the train, and then Jenny dies. Except that Jenny totally lives, and Rufus says he's going to ask geigh Eric for Claudia von Bulow's hand in mawwage. When it comes to Lily's pussy, Eric is the gatekeeper AND the keymaster.

Serena makes a face in Blair's direction and Blair makes a better, more expressive face back. Chuckles brings Georgie Porgie Puddin' N Pie to Serena's dead ex-stepfather's house. Serena calls Gabriel and leaves a fake preggo message. Chucks thinks Serena is a fucking idiot. He is correct. Everyone sees Georgina and bugs out. Except Serena can't really manage that much emotion, so she just sort of squints at a piece of lint on the rug. Then Serena's kindly Southern massa actually calls! He wants to see his maybe-pregnant tweenager, so he can throw her down the stairs like Rhett did with Scarlett.

Gabriel inexplicably meets Serena AT THE PALACE, because why wouldn't you show up at the hotel owned by the stepson of the woman you just swindled out of tons of cash? Serena and Chuckles are ready to play Ocean's Eleven, except without Don Cheadle, who read the invitation wrong and showed up at the Hotel Rwanda, one of Bart Bass's lesser-known international properties. Also, Gabriel's face is made of ham, salted North Carolina ham, and his ears are made of pork rinds, and his dick is curly like his adorable tail. Seriously, is there or is there not something acutely porcine about this actor? Someone stick his head on a stake and plant it in the Ramble, stat.

Serena and Chuck tell him to make with the dough, but H1N1 protests that Poppy has it. She, in fact, conned him! Or something. I wasn't really paying attention at this part because Gabriel's face made me think of the last Easter dinner we had before my sister died. That's not true. I don't even have a sister. But his face does seriously look like pinkest Boar's Head ham. Christ, ham is disgusting.

Danielle tells Lily some shit about how Serena's up to something, and Lily gives him a one-armed hug because that is all her WASP frigidity will allow. Then Lily jabbers at Serena, "This is an adult scandal, and the adult thing is for me to pay everyone back and for you to let it go." Meanwhile, her tiny homosexual changeling reminds Rufus that Lily has been married four times and is basically a delusional psychopath, but Rufus is so hard that all he can hear is the throbbing of the blood in his own member, the hemoglobin ringing and singing, the tintinnabullation of his balls, balls, balls. He pulls Eric into the bushes, and threatens to show him the difference between a Lincoln Hawk and a chicken hawk. And the thunder rolls, and the lightning strikes.

Okay, so Blair's trying to convince Georgina to be a pawn in the scheme to kill pretty Bubbe Lifschitz, but Georgina's new religion says that the Jews must be kept alive and returned to Israel so that the Apocalypse can come, so she's not into it. Then Blair is all, "Whatevs, no Jews on this show besides Wallace Shawn, BTdubs, where the eff IS he?" All the other good actors are gone from this episode: Zuzanna Szadkowski, Margaret Colin (who really does look remarkably like an older version of Leighton Meester), and Wallace Shawn. Thank God Meester remains to show these other bitches how to emote. (Actually, Michelle Christine Trachtenberg is pretty funny in this ep.) Blair tells her the only way she can earn her wings is to do exactly as Blair says. Then Dawn Summers quotes Pulp Fiction and this makes everything fine. She's The Key!

Serena tells Blair not to pull shenanigans, but then she totes changes her mind and is all, "Blair, it's on. Let's DO this!" Georgina pretends to be someone named Sharilyn whose father fingerbangs spelunkers in Canada and enjoys scrimshaw and bloodletting.

Later, Serena and the gang go to the Russian Tea Room, where everyone important hangs out. Georgina and Poppy say what's up. It is never explained why or how Poppy came to know of the presence of Sharilyngina. George Sand tries to pull Puffy Gumlings into self-incrimination (George's got a wire on, see!) but it ain't working.

Meanwhile, at the bar, Blair asks Chuck if he's really into her or what, and he says it's all a game, but obvs he's lying. Blair gets all trembly and teary and jets, but Serena has heard it all and goes, "Brother Bear, why'd you say that shit?" And he's all, "Because I love her, and I can't make her happy." Then Chuck goes off and boffs Vanessa somewhere, in real life, in a slurpy glurpy pile of Dove liquid hand soap, and their bodies sound like this: sloop boop smuuuurge bluuurg poopy plop flllllp.

Poppy takes off with the money, and Georgina haz a sadz, and Serena gets arrested by her mother (?), and Rufus is not into the engagement, and B tells G that JC will nevs forgive her, so G loses her mind again and starts stalking Puffles Tinkleberry and will probs kill her at some point. Then everyone wonders whatever shall become of the Countess, and suddenly it's time to bid adieu to yet another edition of Swans Crossing, but not before Georgina crushes Gabriel's head with a rock and adds, "Sucks to your ass-mar."

Did you know that next week is The Prom, and also No Doubt will be there, and Tony and Gwen will get back together when Gwen catches Gavin snogging Eric in the boys' room, plus we get a sneak preview of the insipid Brittany Snow vehicle that is GG's summer replacement? Yes, little Lily Rhodes shall be out and about in late ‘80s Los Angeles, duck-hunting with her older sister Weetzie Bat. All the lanka girls and the flat-top skinny gay boys will be there, and sooner or later My Secret Agent Lover Man will show up and tell her that every time she walks away or runs away she takes a piece of him with her there. Then everyone will get punk-rock AIDS and die, but not before Vanessa shows up to tell us more about the virtues of drug store facial cleanser.

I did it. I finished the recap.

It was for you, Richard Lawson.

It was always all for you.