Richard is... dead, maybe? Richard is in heaven, with Barack Obama's mom and Danny Gokey's wife. Either that or France. Regardless, he did not watch American Idol last night. But we did!

We've got to admit: we were not excited for "Rock Week." The mentor was noted Hair Bear Slash, Adam was going to wear leather and butch his way through something from the screechy white dude school of classic rock, Kris was going to hope it was actually soft rock week, Danny was going to suck, and Allison was going to be fine. And that is basically how it all went down! Except better!

Adam! We have an intense, visceral dislike for Adam Lambert, partly because we still hate theater kids but also because of his hair and everything he wears and when he gels his hair back so you know he's going to sing a ballad (a ballad in the middle of which he'll insert an entirely unnecessary trademark high-pitched run of some kind to remind you that he can do that, did you know that he can do that?). But his "Whole Lotta Love" was fine because he basically just sounded like Robert Plant without whatever twice-removed soul Robert brought to that track. And if he'd sang a G'n'R song he would've sounded just like Axl, and if he'd sung "Paradise By the Dashboard Light" with Allison we would've died with joy. Also in all of those cases the judges would've praised his courage and originality, but whatever, that is what they do, they pimp Adam. Sometimes you just gotta relax and deal.

Anyway they all liked it, and they thought it was very good and original, and we'd also like to point out that that song has a range of like three (difficult to hit but still) notes, and in fact that song is only a riff, not even really a song for "A SINGING COMPETITION," and so honestly the praise should go to "anonymous American Idol guitarist dude," but still, whatever, we are working through our thing about Adam. Listen, put that fucking riff behind anyone and they'll sound like a God.

Allison!So this meant of course that when Allison did a very good job with a not-too-played-out Janis Joplin song (well, a Garnet Mimms song) they hated it, because they hate her. They just hate her! She sings with more control over, you know, her pitch than Janis did, but still, it was karaoke. Simon said she should've done "the Queen song" she mentioned in the intro video, by which he meant "Someone to Love," by Jefferson Airplane, and Simon was so offended when she politely corrected him!

Whatever this was! Then Kris and Danny did their musical tribute to "The Kinks: The Years When Dave and Ray Would Stand Very Far Apart From Each Other on Stage Because They Didn't Want to Get Into Another Fistfight In Front of the Camera." No wait, sorry, it was a Styx song, apparently.

Triangle mouth! This was followed by Kris Allen trying to bad-assedly funky white guy bounce his way through a turgid arrangement of "Come Together." Is... is he allowed to sing the words in that song? Everyone hated it because the judges, who have absolutely no experience with any sound a radio has produced in the last 20 years, don't understand that this Kris dope is in fact the most sellable of the remaining contestants. Also he's Richard's booooooyfriiiiieeend. No, seriously, this Kris guy is the only one who'd sell albums! Execrable-but-successful human being Jamie Foxx saw this!

Who even remembers what the judges said about this actually. Randy probably said "yo" and Paula probably said "banana helicopter" and Kara almost certainly said "that was a very rockin' CBGIF Friday's kind of song but I wish you had done something by the Beatles instead" and Simon probably just called him a fag and told him to go make out with his fag girlfriend Ryan. Yes, that is how it went.

Holy Shit Then Danny Gokey, the thick wife-murdering Wisconsin cult leader, took the stage to make an ungodly banshee shriek and then hop around clapping for applause and fish like a sea lion. Just, wow. It was the single worst noise we've ever heard on a television and he was so proud of it. And everyone on the internet is mocking him, today, but guess what? He will win. He will win the show. It is that simple. He is not going home tonight, or ever, because Christians are fucking organized. Organized and deaf.

And who the hell knows what the judges are thinking with their decision to allot the second pimp spot to this engorged sack of God and cheese, because "Adult Christian Contemporary as sung by a man whom you'd really like to slug" is not really taking over the pop airwaves! But then, neither is "technically proficient yowling of Alan Menken tunes by a guylinered 30-year-old theater gay dressed like a Jonas Brother," but, you know. Pimp him they must! And so, "A for effort," for Danny.

Wait, what? It is from here on out impossible to make fun of Kara because she surpassed any and all attempts at parodying her obvious ignorance of everything musical when she critiqued Danny's choice of the first single from the first Aerosmith album by saying she'd have rather heard "earlier Aerosmith, like 'Cryin'' or 'Crazy'." People with eyes, ears, and brains might remember hearing "Cryin'" and "Crazy" on the radio in 1993 and 1994, respectively. So congrats, Kara, we are unable to come up with jokes about you anymore.

And then Allison and Adam were kind of adorable together on a fucking Foghat song, so our hatred for him cooled, a little bit.

Tonight! Allison probably goes home and we probably stop watching this fucking show FOR GOOD.