Monkey Bar is Graydon Carter's Exclusive Lair of the Famous and Awesome. It's so exclusive, even NY Times dining critic Frank Bruni had a tough time getting in. You know who didn't? Levi Johnston. And two of his bodyguards.

So says a Page Six item:

The hockey hunk, who knocked up Bristol Palin, was at Monkey Bar on Thursday night with "two of the biggest, burliest bodyguards I've ever seen seated to either side of him and another guy at a back booth," said our witness. "One even accompanied him to the bathroom!"

This is funny (funny: ha-ha) for, like, nine reasons. My favorite three:

1. Levi Johnston needs two bodyguards. Schwah? Also, how can he pay for hired goons to hold his dick while he pisses? I mean, it's very Monkey Bar, but really: are these guys on sale? And didn't he used to play hockey? Why would he need protection?

2. Because this is Monkey Bar we're talking about, and by short extention, Graydon Carter. G-funk, who oversees the media bastion of everything Liberal, Famous, and Awesome: Vanity Fair - also personally oversees the reservations list for Monkey Bar every night....

3. ...Which means that he was the one who let Johnston in, and gave him one of those infamous back booths, for a party of three. Chances are, Levi (or his bodyguard/flack) noted that he'd be coming with "protection" or something. So either Carter's looking for a scoop from Levi, or he couldn't get anyone better in there. Cindy Crawford was sitting nearby. Take that for what you will.

Most of all, however, this represents a stunning discovery in the mysterious algorithm on how one descends into one of Graydon's Caves of Awesome. It's beauty lies in how - yes - downright primal the entire thing is: even mediocre fame - especially the infamous brand - when dressed up to look like the Real McCoy makes the Graydon Grade.

Otherwise presented without comment, here's a video of how to peel a banana like a monkey. Okay, fine, comment: Monkey Bar is aptly named for the people who try to get in. Better get moving:

Laws of the Jungle Apply [NYT Dining]
OVERPROTECTED [Page Six]
Photo illustration "The Missing Link" by Foster Kamer, Mixed Media, 2009.