The Gosselins: turning into the Clampetts. Robert Pattinson's going to star in my new movie, playing me. Leno pays tribute to The Jews. Julia Roberts and Eat, Prey, Love get grilled by the Hindus. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Oh, well, this is a shitshow: Jon Gosselin - on leave from his Tour of Duty in the War on Good Taste, Or At The Very Least, Conscious Sartorial Choices Not Involving Ed Hardy - had the kids the other night at Castle Wolfenstein Gosselin because it was his night for them to hate a parent to their face. Well, that didn't go well, because Kate, who's a little obsessive, came back to the house to make sure Jon wasn't having the kids get babysat by one of the many in his cadre of "hussy bitches" as Kate likes to call them. Jon could've had Benjamin Spock watching the kids, and she probably would've freaked her shit out. So they got into a fight, Jon locked her out of the house, and she had to check into a Days Inn off campus. All they need to do now is strike oil and move to La Jolla. Meanwhile, Jon's hosting a pool party in Vegas soon and do you need any more reasons to despise this person? [NYDN]

  • And then they made up, or something, says this photo from TMZ. [TMZ]

  • Bobert Pattinson comforted his co-star, Camilla Belle, after one of the Jonas Bro-ness broke up with her. Also, I finally just watched a trailer for the new Twilight movie yesterday, and did you know the entire thing is: vampire dumps regular chick to get eaten by another vampire and then a better looking guy who turns into a werewolf eats the vampire? I'm serious. That's it. The entire movie. This is the teenage Citizen Kane, supposedly. That's what the movie's gonna be. And people are freaking out over it? I could've written that book/movie/franchise with my ass. Seriously, how about this: weekend gossip writer gets out of bed late, does a line of blow off of his washboard abs before going for coffee and typing away at his laptop. All of the sudden, he goes to the bathroom and while looking for a flat surface ends up finding a magical land of princesses, unicorns, dark magic, and TIE Fighters. He decides to bring the coffee shop girl with him, and together they have lots of adventures and do a bunch of blow and debate whether or not to turn into unicorns. NYT Bestseller List, hear that ringing? It's me calling. [Showbiz Spy]

  • Remember Antonio Sabato Jr.? Was he on that one show with Lorenzo Lamas? Anyway: Rachel McAdams had a huge crush on him as a wee Rachel McAdams and she ran into him and told him! And Antonio Sabato Jr. sent her flowers. That was fun. [Page Six]

  • Paying tribute to the common knowledge that Jews run showbiz, Jerry Seinfeld will be the first guest on Jay Leno's new show. This is the talk show equivalent of having a shaman come and smudge the set with sage. [NY Daily News]

  • All it took was the headline "Arrest Warrant Issued For Bobby Brown" to make me laugh. Seriously. It's like someone rang a bell in my head that was like, "KISSMYASS!" Apparently, he's delinquent on paying some kind of child support bills. Naturally. [NYDN]

  • Ha, love this: Eat, Pray, Love, or as it's well known around New York, Diet, Self-Pity, Desperation is getting flack from the religions the main character/memoir's writer embarks upon when looking for herself in food and spirituality around the world, only to find out that (SPOILER ALERT) everything sucks in the end: you get fat, some dude/lady dumps you for someone prettier or younger, and then, you die. Anyway, I digress: the religious people are pissed about the book already and concerned the movie version, starring Julia Roberts, is only going to make it worse. I mean, this quote! Via the head of the Universal Society of Hinduism: "The people of India will be anxious to see how perfectly Roberts does her job of cleaning ashram floors as a part of her devotional duty, trying to recite 182- verse Sanskrit chant, and going through grueling hours of meditation, while being feasted on by mosquitoes." I mean, we're anxious to see anybody get feasted on by mosquitoes, but America's Sweetheart? Holy shit, you've got a movie right there. Don't softpaw this, Sony. At least get Clooney to play one of the little bloodsucking gnats. [Page Six]

  • Dan Rather's showing up to parties around New York and Richard Johnson was like, yeah, get an item out of this. Throw some outrage in for good measure. [Page Six]

  • So, one of those Kardashian girls is extending the legacy of large asses by having a kid, and Kim spoiled the supposedly ratings-boosting suspense of who the Dad was. Isn't the better question who isn't the dad of that child? Anyway, hopefully that baby will come out of its mother with a gigantic badonk because otherwise, if you've ever seen the Kardashians in action, you'd realize it's at no great genetic advantage when it comes to smarts. [Page Six]

  • TMZ has a theory/sources basically positing the idea that Michael Jackson is frozen somewhere, like my brain, right now, at this moment. [TMZ]

  • E! does some shameless plugging for some Sierra Mist Beach House in Malibu that basically hires small foreign children for celebrities to snort drugs off of in private. [E!]