Gather a bunch of snobby socialites around a restaurant-prepared turkey and the results are just as boozy, screamy, and terror-y as all of yours. Maybe the rich aren't so different after all. But they're more powerful!

There were all sorts of crazy shifts in the power dynamic at last night's day-late and dollar-short Thanksgiving episode where original mean girl Lily hosted the strangest conglomeration of Gossip Girl characters seen outside of Blakey Lively's birthday party at Marquee. We got secrets galore, boozy grandma Cece, bad pilgrim jokes, and pregnant Dorota. Now if we only had some stuffing for Serena's mouth, we'd be all set.

Dorota:
Fashion Points: Fancy holiday maid outfit: +2
Money: Gets time and a half from Lily: +1
Personality Flaw: The only baby we ever want to see on this show is hers: +3
Power Play: Is close personal friends with Tom Colicchio: +2, A war between Russian and Poland will erupt over her baby: +5
Sexual Intrigue: Fighting with Vanya: -1, Gets back with Vanya: +2
Total: 14
Season to Date: 58
Power Position: Up

Blair:
Family Secrets: Her mother is keeping a secret from her: -1
Fashion Points: Borrowed Serena's lacey leggings. Never borrow anything from Serena, unless you work on 10th Ave: -2
Power Play: Storms out of dinner: +1, She is totally lying about wanting pie: -1, Caught binging in the lobby: -3,
Social Schemes: Would rat out Dorota to the INS to get her mother's secret: -2, Tells Jenny that Eric set her up at Cotillion: +2, Loses her mommy: -1, But mommy gives her Manhattan: +1, And Dorota and the apartment all to herself: +3, Forgives Serena: -1, Tells Serena to go with Trip: -1
Total: -5
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Chuck:
Fashion Points: Stripes on his collar: +1, Yellow suspenders he stole from Larry King: -1
Power Play: Is now spying on people for a living, which we find strangely erotic: +1, Knows Serena is a skank: +1, Only buys the good wine that Eleanor Waldorf likes: +1
Social Schemes: Threatens to banish Serena to work in the lobby of an airport Marriott where she belongs: +3, Pissed at Nate for stealing footage from his hotel: +1, His revenge is encouraging Nate to go after Serena and get genital warts: +3
WTF: Has been nothing more than a functionary for the past three episodes: -10
Total: 0
Season to Date: 22
Power Position: Down

Nate:
Fashion Points: Manbangs!: +2
Power Play: Thinks Serena is a skank: +1, Doesn't have plans for Thanksgiving: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Knows threesomes are bad from the time he and Chuck crossed swords while sharing a hooker: +3, Trip blames him for his marriage breaking up: -1, Is stuck with Maureen, who is the real power player in the relationship: +2, Knows Serena is a skank and still loves her: -1, She chooses Trip over him: +2 (because now he won't get warts)
Social Schemes: Gives Maureen Serena's elevator romp tape: +3
Total: 10
Season to Date: 6
Power Position: Up

Serena:
Family Secrets: Knows Lily's secrets: +3
Fashion Points: Her dowdy blouse with the bow screams "I'm trying to not dress like a slut today": -2, Serving up a side of boobs at Thanksgiving dinner: -1, Seriously, it's a lace-front, skin-tight jumpsuit. How is that in any way appropriate for a family dinner outside of New Jersey: -2
Personality Flaw: Everyone thinks she's a skank: -1, Can't even go one whole elevator ride next to a man without trying to fuck him: -2, For as nasty as she is, she should know that elevators have cameras: -1
Power Play: Dissing family Thanksgiving for a lay from Trip: -1, Gets kicked out by Lily: -2, Storms out of dinner: +1, Is friends with Blair again: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Gets a politician to dump his wife for her: +2, Wises up about Trip: +3, Then decides that the call of her loins must be answered: -2
Social Schemes: Invites Nate to Thanksgiving to keep things interesting: +1
WTF: She would be a horrible first lady: -2
Total: -4
Season to Date: -6
Power Position: Down

Dan:
Fashion Points: Everyone is talking about his face: +1, But it's in a bad way: -2
Quip: "Cece's heart runs on secrets and gin": +1
Sexual Intrigue: We think he's learned his lesson about threeways: +1, Everyone knows he's in love with Vanessa: -2, And for some reason, they don't hate him for it: +1, No one should have to talk you out of dating Vanessa, you should just know that's a bad idea: -3
Social Schemes: Calls Vanessa's mom so that he can get Vanessa out of his Brooklyn Pussy Den: +1, Get's Vanessa and her mom to make up and move out of his BPD: +2, Doesn't use the BPD for pussy because he's too busy pining over Vanessa's lady dreads: -3
Total: -4
Season to Date: -13
Power Position: Up

Rufus:
Family Secrets: His baby's got a secret, ooh ooh: -1
Personality Flaw: Stop trying to feed everyone!: -2, Thinks old people know how to video chat: -2, That "Plymouth Rock" joke: -1
Power Play: Is actually friends with Vanessa's annoying mom: -1, Still name dropping members of Sonic Youth: -1, OK, jamming with Kim and Thurston is pretty rad: +3
Social Schemes: Invites CeCe to dinner, even though she is clearly not invited by Lily: -2, But when she shows up, she totally rules: +4
Total: -3
Season to Date: -14
Power Position: Even

Jenny:
Personality Flaw: Is shocked her Mute Gay Shadow was mean to her. Really, Jenny? You were behaving like an ass: -2
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is standing right there: -1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Actually upset that Eric is mad at her, which is kinda cute: +1
Social Schemes: Tries to get Jonathan back for Eric: +1, Fails: -2, Eric is coming for her: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -23
Power Position: Down

Lily:
Bonus: Still the ultimate mean girl: +1
Family Secrets: Did she do it with Serena's father again?: +2, Right now, we don't know her secret: +3, But Serena and Maureen found out, so it's only a matter of time: -2
Fashion Points: Doesn't know the difference between her designer coat and Maureen's H&M knockoff and puts her "secret letter" in the wrong pocket and the wrong hands: -3
Money: Paying Dorota extra, because she knows she's the best: +3
Power Play: Invites Maureen to Thanksgiving and totally ruins Serena's groove: +1, Storms out of dinner: +1, Has boozy CeCe as an ally: +1
Sexual Intrigue: Actually stops Rufus from cooking!: +3, She is lying like a fiend to Rufus: +1
Social Schemes: Lies about her mother being sick: +1 (mean, but awesome), Actually has some sound parenting advice for Serena: +1, Years of bad parenting means Serena won't listen: -2
Total: 11
Season to Date: -24
Power Position: Up

Vanessa:
Fashion Points: Why was she wearing Sheila E's old coat?: -1
Personality Flaw: Her mother is even more annoying than she is: +2 (for looking cool in comparison)
Power Play: Is the last one to storm out of dinner. Four other people just did it. The dramatic impact is gone: -1, Let's her mom waste $200 tickets to Hair: -1, Bonus for missing the dreamy Gavin Creel in Hair: -1 Hates her mom, loves her mom, hates her mom, loves her mom. Make it stop!: -1
Sexual Intrigue: Everyone knows Dan's in love with her except her: -1, No one tells her that Dan is in love with her: -1, Likes Dan's face: -2, But that face is attached to those massive guns: +3
Social Schemes: Crashes Dan's Brooklyn Pussy Den: +2
WTF: She is obviously more of a Rock of Ages girl than a Hair hippie: -1
Total: -3
Season to Date: -28
Power Position: Down

Eric:
Family Secrets: He's the only one that doesn't know that Lily is fucking his dad again: -1
Fashion Points: We are fans of the plaid blazer: +1
Power Play: Sets the table when Dorota is right there: -1
Quip: "Our Thanksgivings usually end with french fries in a diner and someone having been in a mental institution": +1, Bonus for actually happening: +1
Sexual Intrigue: His boyfriend doesn't want him back: -2
Social Schemes: Blair rats him out to Jenny: -1, The best comeback he can come up with against Jenny is "Your sweet potatoes are bland": -1, It's simplicity is kind of amazing: +3, Still wants to be friends with Jenny: -1, Oh, he's only pretending so he can take her down: +3, Sets his ultimate Jenny revenge in motion: +2
Total: 4
Season to Date: -29
Power Position: Up