If American Idol is all about dreams (and it is), then last night was a nightmare. Not the sit-bolt-upright-in-bed kind of nightmare. But one of those bad dreams that's difficult and long, the ones that make you wake up tired.

13! That's the unlucky number of yellow Tickets to Obscurity that were handed out yesterday, which is a surprisingly low number for an audition city, Chicago, that's so big and so central. Maybe everyone with talent and possibility hopped aboard the Obama Hope Express and hoofed it to DC long ago. Maybe everyone just had work. Whatever the reason, Chicago stank big. That must be why the episode was only an hour.

You'd think that if there were only 13 singers worth hearing that we would, in fact, hear all of them. But, ha, that's not the way this show works. See, the producers of this show still seem to labor under the impression that we really, really care to watch Paula, Ellen, and the rest of them parade into the listening chamber while a bunch of waterlogged weirdos wave and hoot and take pictures. I know the judges love this footage, because it reminds them of when they felt special, so they feel special again, and then they just say it, curled up on their enormous couches stuffed with ostrich feathers or the hair of Alsatian babies. "Special...," they whisper giddily. Then they rewind it and watch it again.

So that's why that footage is in there! The producers also think that we like to watch Sad Weirdos. You know why Riley Meebreast and Simone Fuller and all the rest of them think we like to watch Sad Weirdos? It's because they are so profoundly out of touch with regular life that they somehow think that we don't encounter Sad Weirdos every day. And we do. All of us normal people are daily inundated with a mournful parade of Sad Weirdos. Some of us may, in fact, be Sad Weirdos. So they are typical and boring to us. But to these magic Hollywood-types! Oh boy are the Sad Weirdos rare and fascinating to them. (Here's the dour truth: To them, we are all Sad Weirdos. Each and every one of us. Even the people that win American Idol are Sad Weirdos to them. Because they did, after all, have to go on the show.)

This is how Idol has been since the beginning of time, and it's how it will always be. Is there room in an hour-long broadcast for thirteen good singers singing a few bars each? Of course. But that's not what we want, America. Our Idol overlords have told us so. Bring on the Sad Weirdos! Bring on life.

Let's talk about people I liked.

I liked: Angela Martin, the three-timer who's been to Hollywood Week twice before and who has a sort of steady stream of sad stories pouring out of her mouth, always. The judges all smiled and bestowed great blessings upon this cute little Sad Weirdo, who was more Sad than Weird, but that makes her a Weirdo, doesn't it? But no matter. She's a nice, clear singer with an ample supply of emotion supporting her voice. Plus she's 28, so this really is her last chance. If she doesn't do it this time... well, then, it's back to Sad Weirdoville, where we all live. So I hope she wins. Why not.

I liked: The girl who had asthma and almost died from asthma but now she isn't dead and sings well, but still has asthma. Mostly I liked her because she had to take a hit of her inhaler after accepting her golden ticket and hugging her family. I'm not sure if it was staged or if she really needed it at the moment, but if it was staged she has a wonderful sense of timing and will go far in this business. Good for her.

I liked: Chinaman Jackson. It was nice that guest judge Shania Twain got to see an Asian person for the first time, don't you think? She was shocked, simply shocked, that the strange Oriental was actually a good singer and was handsome. He wasn't carrying water barrels or wearing a funny cone hat or drowning his unwanted infant daughter or anything! He was just a regular college a cappella dude with shaggy hair and a nice, rich set of power pipes. Shania kept talking about liking his "head", which I suppose she thought was going to be yellow and be-ponytailed, like in that history book she read recently. Kara DioBlahBlah decided to get in on the action once she saw that it was getting Shania attention, so she just blurted out "Oooo, me rikey rong time!!!" and the room fell horribly silent and everyone looked at her and then a producer walked out and slowly applied a piece of duct tape over her mouth and sat her back in her chair and patted her head paternally and motioned for the others to continue.

I liked: When that person was trying to sing "I Will Always Love Whitney Houston" and the judges were like "nunh unh, that's not the note" and they all started trying to sing it for him, even Shania. And then after a while Kara got so upset that she wasn't participating that she ripped off the duct tape and was like "HuhhhhhhEeyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeee Wiilllllllll ohhhlaways luhheerrrve yewwwww", so loudly. And once again the room fell to crickets and after a spell the same producer walked out and shot her with a tranquilizer dart and dragged her away, the whiny scraping of her boots on the floor the best singing she'd ever done.

Let's talk about who I didn't like.

I mostly didn't like that first girl who went up, Jackie Plepler or whatever. (That's not remotely her name, is it?) You know, the springy blonde girl. Haven't we had it with springy blonde-haired girls on this show? People like Brooke White and Megan Joy Corklehooch. They never win, no one ever really likes them, and yet there they are. Being all springy and blonde and barefootedly Sexy in their potato-patch way. I think Simon gets off on them. I think he really likes to see if he can take the country out of the girl... and then put it back in again. IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. (Sex.) So, Harley Kneebler (is that it?), you'll probably do just fine on this one. She has much more of a voice than the other springy blonde Sad Weirdos do, so she's got that extra bit goin' for her.

I also didn't like: When that girl with the magic tits did her magic tit thing because she was encouraged to and then the judges didn't give her a real chance after she'd made the whole joke. So she was punished for doing what was asked of her in the first place. Sure she didn't have to do that whole weird fainting thing, but sometimes people just like to think they're funny and we shouldn't begrudge them that. What I'm saying is that she should have been given a serious shot after the joke audition, but oh well. Who am I to dictate how this show should work. I'm just a Sad Weirdo. A saddest, weirdest Sad Weirdo, because I make my living talking about other Sad Weirdos and the Joyous Rich People who entertain us (while we, secretly, entertain them.)

Here's a random thought I had last night: Do you think that when people go into the Chamber of Deciding they've called all their friends, coworkers, old classmates, weird foreign neighbors, etc. to come down and root for them? Like, all those people clearly aren't waiting all day with them, right? When does that phone call happen, do you think? These are the things I like to think about.

Because I'm a Sad Weirdo, just like you.