A crime most foul was committed on the night of August 21, 2009 at the residence shared by eight simpletons at 2000 S St., NW in Washington, D.C. One of them must be (duh, duh, DUN!) the murderer.

I am Inspector Hercule Richard Puffenstuff, and I was sent to a group home for the mentally handicapped on the corner of 20th and S Streets, NW, to talk to the seven remaining residents who, while unsupervised and in a chemically-induced frenzy, pushed one of the residents off the balcony resulting in his loud and grisly death. Only one of them was responsible and I was determined to get to the bottom of the mystery. I summoned everyone to the parlor, where they sat in the potato chip crumbs, spilled beer, and human secretions that stained a grouping of bean bag chairs. They called this "the love pit," but it is really a death trap!

I started by interrogating them. Here is how it went:

Puffenstuff: Greetings, everyone. I am inspector H.R. Puffenstuff of Her Majesty's Royal Investigators Public Investigators Investigators, Inc. I have been sent here by the people who own this house to discover which one of you killed Andrew Pandahat.

Erika: But no one killed...

Puffenstuff: Based on the "He who denied it, supplied it rule, " that means you are the one who did it, Ms. Rockerchick.

Erika: Sorry, buddy, I wasn't even there. They talked about me all last week, so this wasn't even my episode.

Puffenstuff: Then, what about you Michael? Where were you?

Mike: Didn't you watch last week, man? The whole episode was about how gay I am. I mean, how bi I am. I'm bi. Is that a problem?

Puffenstuff: Not a problem at all. Well, it was obviously not either of you. Callie, you have a menacing look on your face. Where were you the night of August 21?

Callie: I was inside bitching about Josh, but my brother was out there.

Puffenstuff: Where is your brother now?

Callie: Oh, he had to go back to Texas. He got a fungal infection from walking around on our nasty floor barefoot.

Puffenstuff: And why were you bitching about Josh?

Callie: Well, Ashley came inside because Josh was outside and things started to get heated. She came in and we were talking about what an asshole he is.

Ashley: That's right. We had gotten into a huge fight because he kept bringing skanks around the house and I got mad at him because he got mad at me and we were fighting and I told him not to cut me off, but he cut me off and said...

Puffenstuff: Slow down for...

Ashley: I was talking! He said that I always cut him off so he started screaming and got all up in my face and I don't like that. I'm not afraid of him, but I hate violence and I hate abuse, but I really like to fight. Like, I get up into everyone else's business so I can start a conflict with them and...

Puffenstuff: Sorry to cut you off, but you're not not making any....

Ashley: I wasn't done talking! OK. Now I'm done.

Puffenstuff: Josh, why is everyone pissed off at you.

Josh: I don't know, man. Just like James Bond has a license to kill, I have a license to be outrageous. Why? Cause I'm a rock star. How do you know? Cause I'm wearing my band T-Shirts, even though we just formed like two weeks ago. We're called Wicked Liquid! Ever heard of us?

Puffenstuff: Only by that shirt you're wearing. The metallic lettering is a nice touch. What did you do that was so outrageous?

Josh: Well, I went out with Ty and Andrew and we all found girls and we were all standing next to each other making out. It was awesome. We brought the ladies back to the house, because the one I was with and the one Andrew fucked in the hot tub were friends. So we went downstairs...

Emily: After that girl called me stupid.

Josh: Well, you were acting stupid.

Emily: No one has the right to call me stupid...

Ashley: She's right. If a girl can't feel safe in her house, where can she feel safe? She should be free of insult and injury in her house, and if someone does that, then she should have the right to talk about. It's her right. Discussion and apology is called for, everyone should.

Emily: Ashley, I was telling...

Ashley: I'm not done talking! OK. Done.

Emily: I tried to go downstairs to confront the girl, but Ty physically kept me from going downstairs. He was drunk and really violent and starting to scare me. We fight and wrestle every night since we stopped having sex, but this time was different, because there was a skank behind him, and I needed to talk to her, even if she was naked and under a thrusting Josh.

Puffenstuff: Ty, what do you have to say about this?

Ty: I'm very, very sorry. I apologize.

Puffenstuff: What happened next?

Josh: I was in bed with my girl and my girlfriend called. So I went upstairs and talked to her.

Puffenstuff: What did she say?

Josh: She asked if I had been good and kissed anyone else and I said no, then went and crawled back into bed with the girl from the bar.

Puffenstuff: What about your girlfriend?

Josh: Oh, she came two days later and we hung out and totally did it and everything. I'm outrageous. I got a license.

Puffenstuff: Wasn't she suspicious?

Josh: Well, Ashley and Erika totally told her that I was making out with other girls, even though it's not any of their business.

Ashley: Actually, it is my business and we didn't even bring it up, she did, because she knew that you were cheating on her. And we didn't even say anything. We just sat there and looked all uncomfortable and tried to cover for you. When you found out, then you were all mad at me, and I didn't even do anything and if you bothered to listen to me and not cut me off you would have known that. God!

Puffenstuff: So Josh...

Ashley: I WASN'T DONE TAL.....No, I was done. Sorry.

Puffenstuff: So Josh, what happened after she left?

Josh: Well, I just can't stop myself from using my outrageous license, so I went out the next night and brought home this promoter chick.

Puffenstuff: What about your girlfriend?

Josh: We were broken up.

Puffenstuff: Wasn't she just there the day before?

Josh: Yeah, the new girl went to use the bathroom and I called my girlfriend and broke up with her. That's when I got in the fight with Ashley.

Ashley: Yes, because he got all mad at me for telling his girlfriend he was cheating, when I didn't even tell her and then he went and cheated and broke up with her and he had no right...

Puffenstuff: Ashley, will you please just shut the fuck up? This isn't about you! Thank you.

Ashley: But...but, I...

Puffenstuff: Zip it! Now, Josh, did this happen on the night of the incident?

Josh: No, the night before.

Puffenstuff: So, it has nothing to do with the crime?

Josh: Naw, man. It's just outrageous!

Puffenstuff: Then, Emily, it had to be you.

Emily: No way! I tried to get Andrew to stop. He was really drunk and was spilling his Snapple all over everyone and. Oh, God...it was so awful....(sobbing).

Puffenstuff: It was you! This is your PTSD talking!

Emily: No, you idiot. It was Ty! Didn't you see the footage? He pushed him off the balcony for no reason. Andrew didn't even have his soft fluffy panda hat on, because it could have softened the blow saved his life. At least he finally got laid before he met his end.

Puffenstuff: It was you Ty! Now I can clearly see.

Ty: I'm very very sorry. I apologize. But he's not dead.

Puffenstuff: He's not?

Ty: Naw, man. You'll find that out next week when the mystery is continued.

Puffenstuff: Oh, then why do we even care?