The eight residents of a house at 2000 S St., NW, in Washington, D.C. were selected to be the subject of a study about alcohol abuse and violence. These are the sad, horrible, appalling, bloody findings.

1. Alcohol does not cause violence, it only escalates the violent tendencies of already aggressive (and narcissistic) personalities. In the male, his tendency to yell, scream, and rough house with members of both genders will be translated into a state of playful rage where he slams into everyone around him like a rhino who got kicked in the nuts, but the whole time, he will be laughing. For the female, she likes to exert control over every situation, and when it doesn't go her way, she results to yelling and swearing. This gets even worse when she has been imbibing Hypnotiq and Sours at the club, and her banter escalates to threats. She will never raise a hand, but her voice is a battering ram.

2. When alcohol-induced violence occurs, everyone will freak the fuck out. Except for the person who is injured who doesn't really care that much. This is because he is "extremely intoxicated," and drunk twentysomethings only care about getting laid and finding a piece of pizza before they pass out, sometimes in a pool of their own wicked liquids. He will continue these pursuits, even while the ambulance is on his way. He will deny a trauma occurred. Even the next morning, when returning to the site of violence on the way home from long florescent evening in the emergency room, he will giggle about the enormity of the violence before going to bed.

3. After the violent incident occurs, all the youngsters will hold an ad hoc tribunal where the perpetrator of the violence will be publicly shamed. He will apologize profusely, and will make promises he can't keep. Like every regretful drunk, he will vow to stop drinking. Everyone will nod and say that they don't think he should stop drinking personally, but he should do it for the good of everyone around him. They will also have no clue that he doesn't intend to abstain for too long.

4. When someone has been the victim of drunken violence, he will be so physically and emotionally traumatized that he won't realize there is anything wrong with the attack he just survived. Even when his family members come to comfort him, he won't talk about it, he will instead soak with them in a hot tub and make silly jokes that don't make sense to anyone. This is either a result of the head trauma he suffered or a personality flaw.

5. The violent rhino will inevitably go back to drinking, usually with the help of the other drunks in his peer group. They will rationalized a drink or two to help them relax, or a beer on a hot day. There is nothing wrong with that! They're right, until someone takes a forced tumble off a four six ten hundred foot balcony.

6. When alcoholic recidivism is achieved one member of the peer group, usually the second most violent, will take great umbrage, and threaten to eject the drinker from the circle if he continues to drink. He will fight this, well, violently. No twentysomething wants to be told what to do, especially if it gets between him and a neon green beer funnel and watermelon flavored concoctions served in test tubes but Tiger Woods' ex mistresses. The insulted tribe member will want to have a very serious discussion about his drinking. She will be drunk and he will be sober, and that will make her even more aggressive than usual. It is good for the perpetrator, who will remain calm for a change. His accuser will instead look like the drunken asshole who is over reacting. She is playing right into his trap.

7. Once this second altercation is done. Everything will return to normal. The two violent entities of the tribe will settle their bitter energy and the alpha dog will once again lap up stale beer from his bowl. Eventually his cutting back to a few drinks at a time will lead to more binge drinking and even more violence and the whole cycle will repeat again until someone is dead or in jail or the rest of the world just stops caring about what these people do.