Only 'Wii' Can Save Grandma From Alzheimer's (Get It?)

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Hamilton Nolan

03/30/10 12:03PM

Filed to: health watch

Scared of getting Alzheimer's? Just guzzle some "relaxation drink," eat a "horseshoe sandwich," and wobble on the Wii. You'll forget all about it. It's time for your daily health watch, where we watch your health—dangerously!

Alzheimer's: Is there anything we can do about it, or should we just let old people get old and get Alzheimer's and not sit around worrying about it all the time, cause hey, welcome to biology? That's a horrible thing to say. Scientists now tell us you can stave off Alzheimer's by doing crosswords, playing Connect 4, and playing on the Wii. If you haven't played the Wii with your grandma lately, you are a horrible person (according to science).
"A sensible approach to diet and exercise." Yea you'd like that, wouldn't you? Drop and give me 50.
All those "relaxation beverages" you hear so much about (just go with it)—what is the deal with them, really? Not alcohol, hahahahaha! Science joke. We're talking about those "herbal" drinks that "calm" and "relax" and "chill" you. Not opium, hahahaha! Chemistry joke. Well scientists say all these drinks do exist and they have all types of crazy ingredients, who knows, it's your funeral, buddy.
Have you ever had a "horseshoe sandwich?" Well if you have you're probably not healthy because a horsehoe sandwich involves "stuffing the meat and fries into a tortilla, which stands in for the bread, and dunking the mass in a deep-fryer before ladling on the cheese sauce." And it has 2,700 calories so don't eat it, scientists say. Too late.

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boobookitteh Hamilton Nolan 03/30/10 12:10PM

My plan: eat cheese covered fried cheese every day and drop dead before the Alzheimer's hits.

robina the first boobookitteh 03/30/10 12:13PM

@boobookitteh: That sounds very much like my plan, only mine involves more bacon. And McNuggets.

boobookitteh robina the first 03/30/10 12:14PM

@robina: I don't eat meat, so I have to double down on the Velveeta.

DennyCrane boobookitteh 03/30/10 12:16PM

BeefFajitas boobookitteh 03/30/10 12:17PM

@boobookitteh: Can we add chili to the cheese fried cheese? Bam! spice it up a notch!

liserly Hamilton Nolan 03/30/10 01:54PM

My mother is a bit of a hippy and is still convinced that aluminum causes Alzheimer's. My grandmother had Alzheimer's and so she always gets on my case about using deodorants/antiperspirants that contain aluminum.

She once said to me that when my aluminum-laden antiperspirant gives me Alzheimer's, and I finally realize she was right, not to say she didn't warn me. I replied that if, in fact, I eventually did develop this disease, I will have forgotten she told me and therefore all her warnings will have been in vain. This, however, has not stopped her nagging.

Needless to say, I continue to use these poisonous underarm products. And so to my mom, I'm sorry, and to everyone else, you're welcome.

Seeräuber Jenny liserly 03/30/10 02:51PM

I've tried the crystals-in-a-tube versions and natural brands like Tom's, and they don't work.

liserly Seeräuber Jenny 03/30/10 03:05PM

@Seeräuber Jenny: My mom uses those! I've tried them both too, once.

underthesun liserly 03/31/10 02:13AM

@liserly: I've been told aluminum antiperspirants are bad, but I recently heard that aluminum aids in clotting blood and is found in high quantities in the part of the brain where Alzheimer's resides because it may be the body's natural defense against the disease.

irishbreakfast Hamilton Nolan 03/30/10 12:23PM

Well, I was a bit confused on the horseshoe sandwich until I found the WSJ interactive horseshoe sandwich graphic. Now all is clear, except why they use crinkle-cut fries.

Atilla the Bun irishbreakfast 03/30/10 12:28PM

@irishbreakfast: I just know it's made me really hungry for a chimichanga.

Señor Flandangles Hamilton Nolan 03/30/10 12:26PM

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H Blix Señor Flandangles 03/30/10 12:35PM

@Señor Flandangles: I hate it when this happens.