On last night's episode of our gay community theater project, the Final Four had to duke it out over pretend awards. It was the closest to winning an award most of these people will likely ever come.

The remaining four are all special in their own ways — Jujubee is funny but strangely incapable, Tatianna has just learned to count to five, Raven has murdered more people than Santino and guest judge Tatum O'Neal combined, and Tyra inexplicably has a son — so it was up to them to really make themselves SHINE. Well, to come as close to shining as they possibly could in the dimly lit basement where we lay our scene.

The first mini-challenge was a horrifying experiment on what happens when a drag queen has ten minutes to prepare her damn self. This mostly meant no makeup and very little styling and lots of screaming and crying on our parts. Jujubee was the only queen to actually put on some damn makeup, but it was done haphazardly and, shudder, over a morning coat of stubble. Raven pulled a wig on and wrapped herself in some black cellophane and black baubles. Tatianna misunderstood the assignment and oddly disappeared, only to be found hours later stuck in the laundry chute, meowing quietly. And Tyra wore something completely unremarkable and ended up winning the day.

Her big reward was that she got to direct the ladies in a very special dance segment. See the theme of this show was Awards and their precious, precious bestowing ceremonies. Everyone in America wants to win a showbiz award, as it is humanity's greatest honor. The sad irony (or something) of scraggly drag queens competing on a public access reality show pretending to be winning glitzy awards was maybe lost on everyone (or something), but no matter. They pressed on and got to the task at hand. Basically each girl had to design three looks. One was for a Teen Diva award, so the grown men had to dress up like teenage girls. Nice! The next was for a DC Diva, so the Fulbright scholars had to dress up like smart, powerful politics types. And the third was for a Hollywood Diva awards show, so the girls had to put on their best fancy gowns (or make one!) and look all glamorous.

Tyra started by trying to make some sort of neon fur dress that looked like sewn-together pieces of carpet from the Roundhouse set. No one could really figure out just what the hell she was doing, and maybe she wasn't really doing anything. Maybe it was all an elaborate ruse so she could abandon it at the last minute and go with a sequined gown she'd brought with her, which is exactly what she did. Jujubee and Raven put together perfectly passable outfits, while Tatianna got herself stuck in the sewing machine and soon fell asleep, purring softly and dreaming of bowls of cream.

After the outfits were all done, it was time to put together a big opening musical number! This is where Tyra's advantage came into play. See, she was the one who got to tell the girls what to do. This was bad for pretty much everyone, because Tyra is a loping bigfoot who can't dance really at all. So the dance involved lots of walking and standing, which, as we all know, is really dynamic to watch live or on television. The girls also each got to hold a letter that when put together spelled D-I-V-A. Tatianna looked at all the letters and said "Who's Davi?" and a producer just walked out and patted her on the head and escorted her off for her nap.

When all the gowns had been built and the opening spectacular had been learned to a tee, it was time for the big red carpet runway show! Oscar winner Tatum O'Neal and Tony winner Marisa Jaret Winokur were on hand as guest judges, because those are two people who have really things with their award-winning career momentum. First they won the awards and then, many years later, they showed up as guest judges on RuPaul's Drag Race 2! Talk about career trajectories! So everyone shuffled out sadly and there were rounds of wan clapping and RuPaul made her usual wildly wonderful nonsense comments:

"Girl, did Jujubee eat some turnips, because it is stanky in here! In a good way!"

"Ooo, Raven has filed a complaint with the British House of Commons with that ensemble!"

"Miss Tyra is looking like she just stabbed a drifter in that dress!"

"Hey Gary, is the raccoon back or is that Tatianna rattling around in the air ducts? Gary? We talked about this, you need to keep a closer eye on her."

Once the fire department had come and rescued Tatianna, it was time for the judging. Everyone loved Tyra's glossy looks and enjoyed the typically stark Raven. They thought Jujubee's gown was a little too costumey, even though, in my opinion she looked the best. And Tatianna, of course, just stood in front of them in singed rags, humming her Diva song.

Oh the Diva dance! Yeah that didn't go terribly well. Jujubee messed up the steps and Tatianna kept falling off the stage and lying there on the ground on her back, helplessly kicking her legs until Gary came out and righted her. ("Gary, I really need to speak with you after the show, OK?") So that didn't go well. Neither did a fake red carpet interview segment where the girls just blabbered on nonsensically. Oh and there was a part where they all had to give acceptance speeches and they all seemed to take it devastatingly seriously, which was depressing. Guys... it's... no. Just no. Oh well.

Ru issued her proclamation: Raven and Tyra will be in the top three, and Tyra was victorious for that week. This left Jujubee in the bottom two again! Distressing. Tatianna shrugged her shoulders and started spelling words, incorrectly, until RuPaul had to say "No, honey. Honey this isn't the spelling bee. You're on the drag queen show, remember?" Tatianna brightened and said "Oh right!" and then began a slow, strange dance. This pleased Ru and she had the music struck up and it was a Lip-Sync for a Life. Obviously Juju is one of the better lip-syncers so she handily one. Tatianna looked sad, but what can you do. Gary came on and walked her outside where there was a white van idling, ready to take her back to the home. "Bye everyone!" Tatianna yelled to nobody. The van sputtered off and the driver called back to Tatianna, "Hey there! Bet you're excited to see Dr. Goldfarb and all your friends, huh?" Tatianna smiled and nodded her head and said "I like crackers." The van drove off down the leafy streets and soon disappeared from view.

So that's that! Top Three. Is it fair? Mostly. I still don't get why everyone loves Tyra so. She's like someone shaved Muzzy the Language Monster and put a wig on him. It's just not that pleasant. I hope Jujubee wins, but I suspect she won't. I suspect that, in the end, it'll be Raven. But who knows!

One more episode guys. Thank the divas.

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