When he marries Bristol Palin next month, Levi Johnston will enter the most awkward family dynamic ever. Let us count the reasons Sarah Palin has to hate her son-in-law, with an exhaustive collection of Levi Johnston's cruelest quotes about Sarah.

Considering the epic amount of trash Levi has talked about his future mother-in-law's lies, greed, cruelty, and sex life, Thanksgiving at the Palin house is about to become really tense.

When she was coming home from work, she would say, 'Where's my retarded baby?' —on Sarah's maternal instincts on CBS' Early Show

If I wanted to hurt her, I could very easily… things she's done during being a governor. —alluding to deeper, darker secrets on CBS' Early Show

You can catch her in a lie a lot of the time. She don't read the newspaper. A lot of the things she's sayin', I know she's lying. —on Sarah's truthiness, to the Guardian

After the running, she had talked about how nice it would be to take some of this money people have been offering us and run with it. Saying forget everything else. —on Sarah's greed, to the Associated Press

I don't see myself over there for Christmas or whatnot. —on being persona non grata on CBS' Early Show

Sarah told me she had a great idea: we would keep it a secret—nobody would know that Bristol was pregnant. She told me that once Bristol had the baby she and Todd would adopt him. —on the attempt to hide baby Tripp to Vanity Fair

In all the time Bristol and I were together, I've never seen them sleep in the same bedroom. —on Sarah and Todd's intimacy to Vanity Fair

I've never seen her touch a fishing pole. She had a gun in her bedroom and one day she asked me to show her how to shoot it. —on Sarah's fake outdoorsiness, to Vanity Fair

Obviously, she's stressed out as governor, moving up to the president or vice-president is huge. I just don't think anymore that she's cut out for the job. —on Sarah's political fitness, to the Associated Press

Sarah didn't like me. I knew Todd didn't like me. So they were kind of betraying me at the same time, backstabbing me, putting on a front to me to make Sarah look good at the convention. —on the Palins' two-faced-ness on CBS' Early Show

I think they used me in the wrong way. They threw me in the den and then got out. —on the Palins treatment of him on CBS' Early Show

After she got back she started talking about how nice it would be to quit and write a book or do a show and make "triple the money." It was, to her, "not as hard." —on why Sarah stepped down as governor, to Vanity Fair

She already tried to have me arrested. —on Sarah's feelings for him, to The Insider

I'd either get popped in the face, shot or thrown in jail. —on what would happen if he showed up at the Palins' house, to The Insider

Definitely the money. Sarah doesn't do anything unless she gets something big from it. —on why Sarah put Bristol in the limelight to The Insider

I'm pretty sure she probably knew. Moms are pretty smart. —on Sarah knowing her daughter was sexually active, to Tyra Banks

Full of it… you could tell by her laugh she was full of it. —on Sarah's disposition, to Playgirl

There wasn't much parenting in that house. Sarah doesn't cook, Todd doesn't cook-the kids would do it all themselves: cook, clean, do the laundry, and get ready for school. —on the Palin family, to Vanity Fair

She walked around the house pouting. —on Sarah's post-election angst, to Vanity Fair

She hung around in her room a lot. I think she just wanted to be left alone for a while. She just went through a big depression, I think. She was bummed out bad. —on Sarah's post-election angst, to the Guardian

[It] is just ridiculous how fake they are... it's just ridiculous. —on the Palins, to the Guardian

Special thanks to whippersnapper intern Liz Nadybal for seeking and destroying, one Levi quote at a time. [Image via Vanity Fair]