Sometimes, Gawker.TV gets copies of movies for review. Some of these movies are good. Some are bad. Some of these movies, like Tales of the Dead make a case for one swearing off film as a legitimate medium.

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Tales of the Dead (full title - Tales of the Dead: Grim Stories of Curses, Horror, and Gore) is an English version of Are You Afraid of the Dark without the production values or Dr. Vink. Five friends gather on Halloween to enjoy some beverages, smoke through a water pipe, and tell ghost stories. Since this is the 21st century, the gang does not tell ghost stories as much as show each other short horror movie DVD's. They are the laziest Midnight Society ever.

There are a number of technical things off with the film, like the sound and the lighting, but since independent cinema is the backbone of the film industry, I can ignore those things. What I cannot ignore, Chemical Burn Entertainment, is false advertising. Here is the cover for the DVD of Tales of the Dead:

At the very least, that looks a few sorts of awesome. Zombies running around with chainsaws? Sure, I'll take three. But there are neither chainsaws nor the type of zombies that would wield chainsaws in this movie.

So, the friends begin to tell the stories and pop the DVD's into the DVD Playing Device and enjoy a lovely Halloween evening. We, the audience, do not get to enjoy a lovely Halloween evening. We have to sit through their movies.

"Less Is More" follows a woman with Body Integrity Identity Disorder. It doesn't resemble a horror film until the last 30 seconds. Up until then, the film focuses on how this disorder affects the woman's life. Eventually, she seeks out a psychopath to amputate the limbs that doctors won't. She seems really happy while that's going on! Then, whoops, he decapitates you.

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In between the short films, the group of friends get into some hard-hitting film talk. Usually things like "That was so gory" and "Man, that was pretty intense." New Roger Eberts are blossoming right before our eyes.

"Wolf Cry" has nothing to do with wolves. It only addresses crying generally. Titles, guys. Titles. The protagonist of this part is a teenager with his head in the clouds. His sort of clouds are horror movie clouds. "Wolf Cry" reminds me of Summer School if Summer School only focused on the characters Chainsaw and Dave, and Chainsaw and Dave get eaten by confusing zombies at the end. Also, there are clowns.

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Next is "Penance," which the filmmakers describe as an old, hard-boiled detective, crime story. The detective in the movie is a sadist so he spends a lot of his time with whips. Maybe, he should have spent some more time capturing criminals. "Penance" does provide and in-depth look at traditional British news sellers.

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"Missing," the last film of the series, tries for a Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity vibe. In reality, it achieves more of a "your-friend-has-a-camera-and-makes-bad-home-movies-and-is-really-paranoid" vibe.

After the five films, the friends discuss a true story, that is until a monster/ serial killer comes in and eats them all. Hooray! It's over! Thank you sudden monster!

The horror genre maintains itself through a devoted fan base that loves and consumes it. It's clear the makers of Tales of the Dead love horror movies. However, they hate us.