Stieg Larsson is dead and Harry Potter's retired, so the book publishing industry has only one thing left up its sleeve: The Secret. Oh, wait, that was already published several years ago. Okay: a sequel to The Secret. More secret!

The Secret, of course, told you how to get rich, which is: write a book called The Secret and sell 19 million copies, to suckers. Since everyone already knows the secret now, why in the world would they go out and buy a sequel? Oh, that's right: because they are suckers. So get ready to stand in line at midnight tonight to purchase The Power, Rhonda Byrne's newest foolproof method to ensure that you—yes you!—are $12.93 poorer. Roll that promise, Rhonda!

"The Secret revealed the law of attraction. Now Rhonda Byrne reveals the greatest power in the universe — The Power to have anything you want."

Pretty simple, eh? For the low low price of $12.93, you can have anything you want. The first thing you can wish for is your $12.93 back! It's the bargain of a lifetime! But why wait until tomorrow? Here now, we reveal to you the exclusive way to "change your relationships, money, health, happiness, career, and your entire life" for only $12.93:

1. Invest the $12.93 in an index fund earning an average of 6% annually.
2. In ten years, you'll have $23.16.
3. Hey, that's $23.16 more than you would have had if you bought this book. What do you want, a miracle?

Be sure to tell your minions to run out and buy this one too, Oprah! Then have Suze Orman on the next day telling them not to waste money. That would be funny.