Avast, mateys! Another weekend has arrived and, though some brave indies are jumping into the cinema fray with it, most everyone else has gotten out of the way of the big boat captained by Johnny Depp. Probably a wise move.

35 and Ticking

Tamala Jones and Nicole Ari Parker star in this romantic comedy about ladies in their mid-thirties worrying about finding a good man. Comedy ensues, Meagan Good does a tranny joke, everything wraps up tidily. The writer and director, Russ Parr, put his name above the title, as in Russ Parr's 35 and Ticking, so it looks as though Tyler Perry might have someone vying for his title of auteur king of black cinema. Is Russ Parr also a confirmed bachelor waiting for the right woman, who may never come? Maybe they could, uh, join forces and become... roommates. (Limited release)

Bloodworth

A kind of Nicholas Sparksian take on Crazy Heart, this movie tells the tale of a crusty old sumbitch who tries to reunite with his family, specifically his coming-of-age grandson. Meanwhile grandson's porking Hilary Duff and Val Kilmer shows up as some sort of spirit guide/friend. Looks gristly and grizzly. (Limited)

Cost of a Soul

From a production assistant on Seven Pounds and Hancock (one of Will Smith's boys, it seems) comes this movie about soldiers returning home and finding various messes they have to clean up, while also dealing with the traumas of war. Seems cheery! (Limited)

Hard Breakers

This is a movie about two pairs of boobs doing things. The boobs go places and drive cars and chase men (by knocking them out) and whatnot. These are some busy boobs! Tom Arnold, Stephen Tobolowsky, and Chris Kattan show up to interact with the boobs in various ways, and then the movie ends and the boobs go away. And that's that. (Limited)

The Lion of Judah

This is just a fun kids movie with no secret agenda, religious or otherwise, whatsoever. It's just a story about a lamb and some chickens or hawks or something who are going on an adventure. It is "inspiring" in just the general, regular way that many other things are inspiring. Just stop asking questions and watch the damn movie, OK? And then we'll watch some VeggieTales and then you'll be right with... society! That's all. Just society... (Limited)

Midnight in Paris

Woody Allen's first film since 2010's You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger, this tells the tale of a frustrated screenwriter (Owen Wilson) who, while vacationing in the ugly poop-pit that is Paris (THAT IS SARCASM, ANGRY COMMENTERS), travels back in time to rub elbows and hobnob with Zelda and F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gertrude Stein, and Papa himself. The film is getting strong reviews, plus Carla Bruni is in it, so you should see it! (Limited)

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

Rob Marshall replaces Gore Verbinski to helm this, the fourth movie based on a creaky old (but still wonderful) ride at Walt Disney World. OK. There are killer mermaids, Penelope Cruz as Blackbeard's daughter, and absolutely no Keira Knightley or Orlando Bloom. Plus it's like an hour shorter than the last one! If you want something to really think about this weekend, this is the film for you. (Everyone, come on)