All you aspiring screenwriters out there, crank up your keyboards, cause here is a "quirky" romantic comedy waiting to be written. A man in Russia broke into a hair salon and the owner of the salon beat him up, tied him to a radiator and kept him as a sex slave for three days.

Viktor Jasinski broke into Olga Zajac's hair salon looking for cash or double process color or a highlight cap or something, but instead he got punched in the face by Zajac, a trained black belt. She knocked him out with one blow. Then she dragged him to the back room, took off his clothes, and tied him to the radiator with a cord from a hair dryer. She fed him Viagra and had sex with him for three days before releasing him, telling him that he'd "learned his lesson." Once he was released, Jasinski immediately went to the cops and told them about his imprisonment.

What is wrong with this guy? Why is he complaining about being used for sex for a few days? Aren't there countless porn movies that revolve around this sort of "ordeal." Anyway, the cops have arrested them both, Jasinski for breaking into the salon and Zajac for being criminally sexxxy. Zajac, who is my new personal hero, told the police, "What a bastard. Yes, we had sex a couple of times. But I bought him new jeans, gave him food, and even gave him 1,000 rubles when he left." Amazing. Please just don't let someone awful like Heigl or Hudson play her in the rom-com.

Update: Apparently this story is two years old. Damn you, Daily Mail for publishing it today as if it were new! We're going to punch you in the face and tie you up for a few days as punishment.

[Daily Mail; image of a different sex slave via Shutterstock]