Esquire Sees Erotic Opportunity in DSK Rape Narrative
Bros: You know when you're hanging out with a girl, and she's talking about the time she was raped, and you're like, "Whoa, this chick is totally talking about her vagina. Now I'm all horny. How can I turn this brutal tale of violent degradation into a sexual opportunity?"
Esquire is here to help. In an article pegged to Dominique Strauss-Kahn's alleged rape victim telling her story, they explain "How to Receive a (Legal) Blowjob":
According to the famous maid who's suddenly talking, Dominique Strauss-Kahn's sexual request was anything but polite. [...] We don't mean to be indelicate, but, well, this whole thing has gotten a little indelicate, hasn't it? In the latest Newsweek, the maid who was allegedly raped by former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn gives a very graphic account of their time together, including some very indecent oral sex. And whomever you believe, that's a tragedy. Because as we've learned over the years from our sex expert, a blowjob need not be degrading or hurtful, for either party.
Because that's the worst thing about rape: It ruins the mood for everyone else. Like when you're at a party, and some chick starts crying that she just got raped. Shut up, you're ruining the atmosphere! No, no, don't call the cops, I just lit a fat doobie and it'd be a waste if I had to put it out.
Esquire's article about blowjobs, by "sex expert" Stacey Grenrock Woods, actually has nothing to do with DSK. That means the discussion at Esquire headquarters perhaps went something like this:
Editor 1: Hey, did you read that article about DSK's maid?
Editor 2: Yeah, that part where she recounts the rape reminded me of that sexy article about hot chicks deep throating popsicles we've been wanting to run. We should repackage it, pegged to DSK face raping that lady.
Editor 1: Wow, brilliant. Way to stay on top of the news cycle.
Editor 2: It's like, eat your heart out, Arianna Huffington!
Editor 1: [high five]
Esquire appears to be deleting the above tweet and DSK erotica as we speak. Stacey Grenrock Woods, feel free to punch your editor in the face, anyway. [Esquire]
