Oldest living STD-getter Hugh Hefner's whirlwind romance with Crystal Harris may have ended in a flurry of tears and hocked engagement rings, but at least she's making up for having stranded him at the altar by discussing their terrible sex life with Howard Stern.

Well, "life" might be overstating matters. Harris claims to have made love to her ex-fiancé just once, and that it lasted "like two seconds." (Two seconds is a long time when you're 85! She should be flattered.)

"Then I was just over it," she says. "I was like, 'Ahhh.' I was over it. I just like, walked away. I'm not turned on by Hef, sorry."

As a parting shot, Harris also mentioned that Hefner "doesn't really take off his clothes. I've never seen Hef naked," failing to note that robbed of the complex, wheel-and-pulley harness system that lowers Hefner onto his partners, their lovemaking blip would have been rendered that much briefer. [People, photo via Getty]