Post-earthquake reports that the Washington Monument was tilting like a bridesmaid after four champagne cocktails turned out to be false. However, contrary to the Park Service's initial reassurances, our national phallus didn't escape unharmed: It's cracked.

According to Reuters, "The crack in one of the stones in the monument's pyramidium — the pyramid shape at the very top — was detected during an inspection by helicopter." The monument is closed until further notice. Granite obelisk fans: check out the Bunker Hill monument in Boston, or your local cemetery.

[Image via Getty]