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This morning the clown-wigged sea snakes of Fox & Friends shifted from Christmas to Halloween, discussing some school principals who are waging war on school-time Halloween festivities. The sad outrage of it all!

Basically Halloween activities have recently been banned at some schools across the nation, because of fears of inequality (some kids can't afford costumes) and offense (some kids are from cultures that don't like Halloween). It's an important issue.

Because Steve Doocy was off somewhere hiding under someone's bed, it was up to Berenstain Bear runts Brian Kilmeade and Gretchen Carlson to handle the heavy lifting on this segment. Carlson is firmly Pro Halloween, because it's a fine American tradition and she looooooves candy corn. (It's her favorite candy! Mostly because, like how humans both crave water and are 80% made up of it, Gretchen desires to ingest more of her own chief substance.) Kilmeade, however, doesn't much care for Halloween, likely because of its insidious, devil-related pagan roots. Brian Kilmeade is gonna be good in the big guy's book when he gets to sweet, sweet bologna-scented Heaven, thank you very much. And he's not going to screw that up for a few Milk Duds. So these two opinions are very strong and will never meet. Thus they brought in a mediator.

The mediator was a young fellow named Jamie Weinstein from The Daily Caller, the conservative news blog created and curated by bow-tied bathroom assailer Tucker Carlson. Weinstein basically called these principals — whose photos they showed for some totally understandable reason — ridiculous, because in his experience, no one was ever offended by Halloween or couldn't afford a costume or anything. He grew up in South Florida, where no one was ever offended by Halloween. Thus these principals are being foolish. Jamie Weinstein says so!

Gretchen nodded her big, pumpkin seed-filled head in agreement while Kilmeade shook his giant actual pumpkin head in disapproval and all of us at home realized that they will never agree and yet we want them to fall in love anyway, the soft squishing sound of their inhuman lovemaking filling the night air with joy and hope. Happy Halloween!