Tonight, after a long day of work and a glass of pinot (or three) you might think to yourself, "Gee, maybe I should watch the People's Choice Awards on CBS." That would be a very stupid idea.

The whole reason of being for the People's Choice Awards is to let those at home decide who gets trophies. Thanks to the internet this is easier than ever. The awards are given out based only on popularity. I'm sorry, but that's a problem.

People choose shitty things. People choose 2 and a Half Men and NASCAR and Super-Sized McRib Meals. People choose smoking and Uggs and Transformers 9,000,000: The Blur of the Robots and Magnolia cupcakes. People choose Rick Santorum and Katherine Heigl (she wishes!) and flying on airplanes wearing sweatpants with words written across the ass while hugging a body pillow. People choose FarmVille. FarmVille! This is what people choose. Do you want to be associated with that?

And the people who do the choosing are not the people you want choosing anything for you. They're the people who think the Oscars are too damn fussy because they don't choose movies that people really watch, like Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Instead, they pick movies that are good and confusing and boring. They are the kind of people that want their love for the lowest common denominator reaffirmed by all the other denominators out there.

What's strange about all these things, the types of popular culture that wins the People's Choice Award, is that they don't need awards at all. They are unspeakably popular, and that means they reap the benefits of being popular, like making shit loads of money, having plenty of opportunities for more work, and the ability to impart whatever message on the world they want. They do not need awards. They do not need accolades or Lucite trophies to put on the enormous mantlepieces in their enormous mansions. No! Meanwhile the smaller movies and artists and things that are of actual quality as decided by a panel of experts, those are the things that deserve awards. You don't have to give Pirates of the Carribean 4: Johnny Depp Owns a Private Island (No, For Real, He Does) an award. You already voted with your dollars, you stupid jerks.

Sure, the Oscars aren't infallible. No awards are. They're beholden to people too, and even if those people are experts, those experts are enmeshed in professional politics, archaic rules, and all other sorts of silliness. OK, you made me say it: all awards are stupid. There. Are you happy? But at least some awards pretend like they're trying to award things that are qualified, intelligent, or somehow "good." This is just an award show for "favorites." Pie is one of my favorites, that does not mean it deserves public recognition during prime time on network television and to have it's name announced by the female lead on The Big Bang Theory.

So don't you dare watch the People's Choice Awards tonight. Instead, watch Modern Family, you know, something that is popular and good.

[Images via Getty]