Another week has come and gone, and with it all your tales of masturbation, your poetry, wise words, and reading recommendations. Please enjoy this week's mailbag roundup and don't forget to tell us what you think in the comments.

A Modicum of Masturbation Stories

One Beautiful Spring day a couple of years ago, my roommate and I -both of us raised outside of New York, and taught to be pretty, girlish and polite to strangers- were enjoying a beautiful spring sandwich in Union Square. We were sitting on a bench, next a girl with a weird acting older man on the other side of her (two benches: roommate, me, girl, man.) The man eventually got up and moved to the bench facing all of us on the other side of the row, at which point the girl told us that the man had been masturbating since she sat down, and that she been too intimidated to react. Of course, we were mortified and said all manner of useless "It's okay" things. Girl eventually left, and we looked up to see the same 60-ish guy masturbating to us. SO...conclusion: we went and filled up our water bottles, and practiced a maneuver in which my roommate bumped into me and I spilled water the other direction. We returned a few minutes later to same guy STILL rubbing away, now to a THIRD set of girls. And, with just a modicum of "clumsiness pretense" we dumped a full bottle of water into his lap.

And I have to say as I usually don't go in for either the notion or the practice of vigilante justice, but there was a flicker of comprehension between this shithead and us that made us incredibly happy. Honestly, empowering. And he was drenched and clearly had to go home.

Problem solved?

Enter the Corgi Void

I'm seriously freakin out that I can't comment on this corgi video. I need to let the internet know I like that video. As proof of our common humanity? Shaking my fist at the void? People of earth, hear my voice: I REALLY LIKE WATCHING THAT DANCING DOG.

The Sperm Donor Member

Dear Sir,
I saw you articles on the internet,i want to be of your sperm donor
member. Please i would like to know the procedure,terms and condition
that are applied as a sperm donor.

Waiting for your urgent response.

Regards,

Amodu

Please post your opinion in the comments below

I cannot begin to tell you how unspeakably boring your website is without comments. I am not among your commentors, but I am among the contingent of readers that reads your stories often entirely for the pleasure of reading the comments. Most of the time, the discussion is far more interesting than the original story. Please become interesting again.

Popular Entertainment

Notice what is "popular entertainment"
unnecassary ultrasounds
ignoring distress signals
baby kidnapping
shooting dogs

Here is an excerpt from The Secret

What is all this hostility over who is famous, rich an successful? How ever anyone gets there it's their destiny, journey or grace in this lifetime as we know it. No more than I can now knock you over how infamous for better or worse you may get over your Articles and this apparent self-righteous arrogant web site over gawking and gossip. Robert Vinson

Gawker, a Poem

THE PITS
Sinful pleasure, a painful deceit.
Just the frantic illusion of all we see.
Morning dew, sweeping the soles of our hearts.
Tragic storms, left to take their part.
A little shame, a carcass and dust.
Little lambs, having more than enough.
The odd lines, the random circle.
The lost soul, waiting for a miracle.
Then the masses, waiting for liberty.
Wallowing in the pits of self-pity.

RUN, BABY,RUN
Here we are asroses of the afternoon sky.
Here for a while and soon shall pass by.
In danger of a frail human neglect.
Here for a while but never forget.
Out of the wind we shall go at dusk.
Taking with us our flavored musk.
For ashort while we come but not in the masses.
Love us now for very soon it passes.
Our time to leave, no second chance bestowed.
Finishing our heavenly time borrowed.
And for whatever time we have, let us love.
For the noon sun comes, but not for long.
For soon we shall be gone.
So run, baby, run.

Emailer Defends Gold-Plated Park Carousel Zooey Deschanel

Leave Deschanel alone. She's just a working actress, doing her thing. At this point, all this Zooey Deschanel bullshit starts to look like bullying. She doesn't read Gawker and I won't either unless you drop this crap.

Yes. We are a bunch of jerks.

You do realize that you directed people to post pictures in the comments, which are disabled... right?

Lena Dunham Fucks On the Front Page

not a tip per se, but can you guys obstain from putting pics of two people fucking on your front page (in re to this story being the large picture on the front page right now: https://www.gawkerarchives.com/5902308/small-girl-big-mouth-a-girls-recap )? for those of us with jobs... it does not look good when someone looks over your shoulder and sees that. Even the most scum-sucking citizens of the internet on Reddit follow this rule of thumb.

Death By Cute

PLEASE STOP POSTING "CUTE ANIMAL" STORIES. What the fuck, Gawker? I don't come to Gawker to look at countless posts of cute animal videos or stories. Buzzfeed is for that. What happened to the politics, celebrity gossip, and everday news posts on Gawker? Your website is already going down the shitter.

Love Well, Whip Well

pages 208 - 250

Women want to be dominated.

Any james bond movie

Ann Rommney- Commenting on Mit Rommney`s stiff personality-We better un-zip him and let the real Mitt rommney out- LOL

Maddona - i don`t get on my knee`s to pray

Remind me of my place, if i cry give me a reason, show me no mercy, force me to my knee`s and use me as will- A slaves prayer

Movie classic- Eating raoul- We are into B&D not S&M and we met at an A&P

Benjamin Franklin- Love well- Whip well

Enjoy

fell free to borrow any of my quotes just give a credit from my project Are you a Force at the Table

Alan Berk - just a guy who reads too much

Some nights the wolves are silent and only the Moon howls- george carlin

Holy Carp

This articles is ridiculous....you should write for the National Enquirer!!!
Garbage and you have no facts to support any of the carp!
Muahahaha!!!

Here's a tip:

You suck!