San Diego Panda Gives Birth to 6th Cub, All Other Pandas Trip Over Themselves to Offer Unsolicited Parenting Advice
Bai Yun, a panda at the San Diego Zoo, has just set a world record after giving birth to her 6th cub. Not the world record for sluttiest panda, although she has known many lovers; the world record for the largest collection of pandas born in captivity outside the species' native China.
Zoo officials report that Bai Yun, whose name means "white cloud," came close to setting another record too; she missed being the oldest panda to give birth in captivity by two days.
Bai Yun is 20. Miley Cyrus is 19.
Because Bai Yun is old, so old, older than the sun, her pregnancy was considered "high-risk." Indeed, she was in labor for longer than usual for a panda; about three hours total.
When Bai Yun first revealed that she might be pregnant, other bears rolled their eyes and gossiped about her.
"At Bai Yun's age, if you stop getting your period, it's not because you're pregnant. It's menopause," said Bai Yun's frenemy Lun Lun.
"Fertile Myrtle has wandered out to pasture," agreed a panda named LuAnn.
"She may be at the end of her reproductive years," said a zoo employee.
Bai Yun's first cub was born in 1999, the product of artificial insemination after her first husband, a scrub named Shi Shi, proved uninterested in mating with her even after she wore a sexy top. Shi Shi was replaced in 2003 with a lothario panda named Gao Gao, whom the LA Times describes as "more lusty."
This cub is Bai Yun's fifth with Gao Gao. Friends are speculating that the couple, both of whom are unemployed, do not have the financial means to support yet another child, especially since every panda born in a zoo outside of China is hit with a $600,000 "cub tax."
The Times reports that the sex of the panda, who weighed 4 ounces at birth, will not be known for several months.
The zoo typically does not name pandas for 100 days, a tactic which has drawn much criticism from Bai Yun's panda book club.
"I've had my cubs' names picked out since I was a little girl," said panda Xin Xing, mother of Eden Dawn and Giacomo Carter.
The San Diego Zoo typically names its pandas based on the results of an online poll, in keeping with ancient Chinese tradition.
The above image is of an older baby panda, because newborn baby pandas look like horrible pink rats.
