A few years ago, a talented actress and musical genius named Tila Tequila was invited to a clown festival in the Midwestern woods, to perform with some Ringling Brothers gigolos. Or something like that, she didn't read the e-mails. But the booking paid damn well for her live karaoke performance, and the worst thing that could possibly happen at a clown camp would be a flower squirting her in the eye, so she took the gig.

Unfortunately for her, these were not circus clowns. These were angry serial-killers. They were Juggalos, not gigolos! And they did not like MTV-primed mainstreamers like Tila. So instead of honking noses and cars emptying out entire villages, Ms. Tequila arrived to find herself being pelted with beer cans, liquor bottles, cigarettes, mustard, half a lemon, a pizza slice, a pearl bracelet, a pudding cup, part of a watermelon allegedly soaked in feces and urine, and a fetid assortment of other trash. Outraged, bruised, and violated, Tila vowed to the highest court of truth—Twitter!—that she would bankrupt "the organizer of the Juggalos."

That did not happen. Instead, not only has the 14th annual Gathering of the Juggalos already been announced for this upcoming August, but Insane Clown Posse has declared February 17, the second annual Juggalo Day (last year, a petition to make Juggalo Day a national holiday got 15 signatures) and planned a very special pay-per-view concert. The wicked clowns will never die.

Is Tila still even alive?

[Photo by me, 2012, because of course.]