Realistically speaking, no one wants to be the Speaker of the House. It is an awful, thankless job that spells certain political death for whichever misguided soul ascends to its cursed ranks. That said, someone has to do it. And now that Kevin McCarthy is out of the running, throwing the House of Representatives into chaos, we’ve set out to find which people are actually willing to take the Speaker’s chair.

There is one singularly fun fact about the Speaker race: As far as the Constitution is concerned, pretty much anyone is eligible to become the Speaker of the House. The only rule is that the the current House of Representatives has to elect you by a majority vote.

That being the case, we’ve reached out to a total of 32 public figures —politicians, actors, momentary viral stars, Max Read—to ask if they’d accept the job of Speaker of House if elected. The response has been underwhelming so far, with the only two “yes” answers at the time of publication being 2009’s Balloon Boy and fame-starved Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.

We will continue to update the list as necessary.

Yes

Balloon Boy (aka Falcon Heene), former viral sensation, aspiring heavy metal sensation

Hi

I just got this.

Falcon said yes. He said he would make Halloween 4 times a year.

Let me know if you want to interview him.

Richard Heene

Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, Orthodox Rabbi, former reality star, friend of Michael Jackson

Sure, why not—if elected, I would serve. But despite my willingness to serve, I believe there is as much a likelihood of that as there is of me being elected the King of France.

Waka Flocka Flame, rapper

My real dream was to run congress, that’s why I’m officially announcing my candidacy for Speaker of the House....

Let’s talk legislation. Bring some cool things, like: Marijuana, women’s rights, gun control? Yup, yup, yup, approve, approve, approve. Bring some stupid shit, like: Trans-Pacific Partnership, voter ID laws, building a wall around Mexico? Block, block, block, no, no, no. This is America, dude—what the fuck?

Maybe

Michele Bachmann, former Republican Representative from Minnesota

Hello Ashley,

Mrs. Bachmann would need to be asked specifically to run, and as her phone hasn’t rung, it seems unlikely.

Thanks for asking,

Sophia

Press Secretary, MichelePAC

Max Read, former Editor-in-Chief of Gawker

Paul Ryan, Republican Representative of Wisconsin, assistant manager at Hollister

Ryan is maybe willing to run. But only if everyone promises to be very nice.

No

Jesse Ventura, former professional wrestler, former Governor of Minnesota

I don’t understand your question. He isn’t a Republican, he is not currently an elected official, so clearly the answer would be no.

[after explaining that one does not, in fact, need to be an elected official to be the Speaker of the House...]

He will not be considering it.

Deepak Chopra, American author and New-Age charlatan

When will this go live?

Also, please do not edit, alter, change the response without permission. The below is Dr. Chopra’s comment.

No. Politics is not for those who wish to lead and serve with integrity and authenticity. The political system is rife with power-mongering, cronyism, corruption, and influence peddling. I do not have the capacity or skills to fight the system.


Thomas Perez, United States Secretary of Labor

I’d have to be a fool to want that job.

Tommy Craggs, former Executive Editor of Gawker Media

Declined to Respond

Larry Pine, fictional Speaker of the House on House of Cards

Awaiting Response

Herman Cain, former candidate for President of the United States and pizza magnate
Ron Paul, former Republican congressman and arthritic leprechaun
Rick Perry, former Governor of Texas
Ivanka Trump, businesswoman and circus peanut scion
Shaq, former basketball player and current Inside the NBA analyst
 Sarah Palin, former Governor of Alaska
Taylor Swift, noted friend
Katherine Harris, former Secretary of State of Florida and former congresswoman
Sal Albanese, former New York City Council member
John McAfee, antivirus pioneer and accused murderer
Aaron Sorkin, email hack survivor
Matt Drudge, conservative internet aggregator
Dennis Quaid, brother of Randy Quaid
Kim Davis, Pope fabulist
John Catsimatidis, Greek-American businessman
Mike Bloomberg, former Republican Mayor of New York and billionaire
Edward Snowden, former CIA employee and prolonged Russian tourist
Alan Grayson, Democratic Representative from Florida
Louie Gohmert, Republican Representative form Texas
Scott Walker, Governor of Wisconsin and former candidate for President
Steven Culp, former fictional Speaker of the House on The West Wing
Pitbull, Mr. Worldwide
Steven Tyler, feminist bookshop owner
Alex Jones, conspiracy theorist radio host
KoЯn, nu metal pioneer
Lisa Kudrow, Phoebe

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com. Art by Jim Cooke.