Lots of people say “fuck ISIS,” but how many people actually think about the Islamic State in the context of sexual excitement? Retired Army Col. Kurt Schlichter just penned a pornographic novella about killing hundreds of thousands of innocent Arabs. It is insane and bad and a must-read.

That’s Schlichter on the right. Here’s what you need to know about him: his Twitter bio contains the phrase “For Me, The Action Is The Juice,” and he tweets things like this:

Schlichter’s story, “What Defeating ISIS Would Look Like,” is right at home at the objectively bad right-wing viral site IJReview, where it has been deemed an “editor’s choice.” Its premise is simple: in the near future, Marco Rubio is elected president and annihilates the entire Syrian city of Raqqa, which ISIS uses as its de facto capital. It’s also home to about 200,000 civilians, who in this story are murdered by bombs.

The John Holmes of this death porn is a mysterious figure known as “the Wildman.” Not since Goebbels produced motion pictures has the masculine ideal been so zealously mixed with horrific violence:

He turned to his chief of staff. “Get the Wildman on the line.” As the Secret Service agents bum rushed the stunned four star out of the Oval Office, the President took the phone.

On a Florida golf course, the secure cell phone of the retired Marine everyone called “The Wildman” rang, ruining his putt. The Wildman was a legend for his aggression, hence his nickname. President Obama had naturally felt it necessary to replace him with a more pliable, passive CENTCOM commander. He answered, then listened.

Let’s pause and imagine Kurt Schlichter, a middle aged adult man, creating a character in his head named “The Wildman” and then fantasizing about him committing war crimes. And there are war crimes!

“You will attack aggressively in order to destroy all ISIS forces in Iraq and Syria. You will kill all ISIS fighters who do not surrender. Your priority is the destruction of ISIS forces. The safety of civilians is secondary.”

upon war crimes...

Americans leveled the towns, often using the napalm that had just been reintroduced into the American arsenal, and followed up with infantry.

upon war crimes...

The President had accepted the finding of the Department of Justice that all ISIS fighters were unlawful combatants not subject to Geneva Convention protections. They were like pirates of old, and piracy was stamped out only when governments began hanging them.

And then, finally, a city is wiped off the map, Dresden-style: “In 24 hours, Raqqa ceased to exist.”

Let me tell you: it’s hard to write with an erection, so this is a real feat. You can really feel how much Schlichter is in the zone when you read lines like “The Americans published daily body counts. This horrified liberals, but delighted the American people.”

I asked Schlichter if he had based on The Wildman on himself, which he denied, and also if The Wildman had big muscles, which he declined to answer. His genocidal fan fic currently has 4,000 Facebook shares.

Please read the entire thing here.

Contact the author at biddle@gawker.com.
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