Louisiana governor and presumed 2016 presidential contender Bobby Jindal has an op-ed in The New York Times in which he takes a stand against everyone taking a stand against businesses taking a stand against gay marriage, and publicizes his push to pass a bill forbidding his state from taking “adverse action” against businesses that discriminate against same-sex couples. How brave.

The op-ed is wholly unsurprising coming from Jindal, who is gunning for the (rather substantial) evangelical vote in the Republican primaries. (During his a years-long flirtation with a presidential run, Jindal has also positioned himself as a Conservative Intellectual, but pandering to the God crowd is both easier and more popular.) Last week Jindal declared that passing the discriminatory legislation was one of his top three priorities as governor. That said, there is quite a bit going on between the lines. Allow us to translate some of Bobby’s doublespeak into something resembling truths.

Bobby says:

The debate over religious liberty in America presents conservatives and business leaders with a crucial choice.

What it means:

The debate over religious liberty in America has forced business leaders to pretend to support LGBT rights for the sake of their brands.

As nice it is to see big players like Walmart stand up for what the increasing majority of Americans believe is right, Walmart the corporate entity doesn’t really give a shit about whether or not gays can marry. They do, on the other hand, give quite a big shit about people continuing to shop at Walmart. Bobby’s attempt to dragoon major corporations onto his side of the culture is mainly posturing, done for the sake of his own brand.

Bobby says:

...Why shouldn’t an individual or business have the right to cite, in a court proceeding, religious liberty as a reason for not participating in a same-sex marriage ceremony that violates a sincerely held religious belief?

What it means:

Why shouldn’t Bobby Jindal glom on to the hot new trend of passing intentionally discriminatory religious liberty laws as a means of riling up the left for fun and profit?

Conservatives argue that this bill, along with the similar bills in Arkansas and Indiana, are about guaranteeing religious freedom. Fortunately for them, they needn’t worry. That’s already been guaranteed in both the state and federal constitutions. You’re good! Except that Jindal’s definition of religious liberty has a funny way of falling directly in line with what more rational humans might call systematic discrimination. Because here, “participating in a same-sex marriage” effectively means conducting business with anyone in the LGBT community. An absurd bit of vaguery that Jindal has to lean on because, as we’ve seen in Arkansas, standing up for your right to discriminate generally doesn’t go over well.

Bobby says:

The legislation would prohibit the state from denying a person, company or nonprofit group a license, accreditation, employment or contract — or taking other “adverse action” — based on the person or entity’s religious views on the institution of marriage.

What it means:

The legislation would make it legal to be scum.

Bobby says:

Some corporations have already contacted me and asked me to oppose this law. I am certain that other companies, under pressure from radical liberals, will do the same. They are free to voice their opinions, but they will not deter me.

What it means:

Bobby Jindal wants you to know that he will not be bullied by corporations, especially ones that aren’t likely to donate money to a potential Bobby Jindal-supporting PAC or outside interest group.

Jindal here is referring, specifically, to a letter penned by IBM earlier this month imploring him to oppose the act while not-so-subtly implying that not doing so could come with dire financial consequences for the state. Except that, as Salon points out, IBM’s not quite telling the whole story. As much as Louisiana may be relying on IBM for jobs, those jobs wouldn’t exist in the first place without the state’s precious tax dollars. Just the office portion of IBM’s new Baton Rouge complex alone was subsidized with $30.5 million from state and local governments. And that is just a sliver of the $3 billion in taxes Louisiana used to lure other big corporations to its shores.

So while Jindal is, on the one hand, making a play to the basest of conservative bases (religious fundamentalism), he’s also telling IBM and all the other companies eagerly taking the state’s handouts to, in so many words, go fuck themselves.

Bobby says:

As a nation we would not compel a priest, minister or rabbi to violate his conscience and perform a same-sex wedding ceremony. But a great many Americans who are not members of the clergy feel just as called to live their faith through their businesses.

What it means:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for my small catering business is with me; my mini-quiche and my option of meat, they comfort me.

Bobby says:

The bill does not, as opponents assert, create a right to discriminate against, or generally refuse service to, gay men or lesbians. The bill does not change anything as it relates to the law in terms of discrimination suits between private parties.

What it means:

This is demonstrably untrue. Sure, the bill doesn’t specifically say “You may go discriminate against gays.” But it does stop the government from attaching any negative consequences to doing so. Whereas the First Amendment forbids the government itself from doing anything that might step on someone’s religious rights, Louisiana’s bill forbids the government from punishing those who would step on someone’s civil rights.

Bobby says:

Since I became governor in 2008, Louisiana has become one of the best places to do business in America. I made it a priority to cut taxes...

What it means:

As mentioned, Jindal has been heaping tax money to onto businesses in the form of subsidies, and the rest of his state is all the worse for it. Bobby’s big “fuck you” to all the gay-lovin’ corporations out there is particularly bold, since Louisiana also has the fourth highest unemployment rate and the third worst education system in the country. He is basically threatening to turn his back on the only thing he’s actually invested in.

Now, let’s all take a moment to remember that in 1994, Bobby Jindal performed an exorcism on a cancer patient.

Image via AP.

Contact the author at ashley@gawker.com.