A viral story too viral to be a story hit the internet two days ago when a 16-year-old “gamer” in Moscow “won” a month-long hotel cohabitation experience with a porn actress after visiting a gaming website.

I don’t want to, but I must now take you through what is happening in this video, the flat theatrics of this very sad internet play and its various aromatic hues of bullshit. Our “story” begins at LifeNews.ru, a Kremlin-friendly website and 24-hour TV channel that none of you watch, except for maybe that time their “expert political analyst” said the CIA did Charlie Hebdo.


Boiling With Expectations

LifeNews introduces Ruslan Shchedrin, the 100,000th visitor of “a site where gamers purchase various weapons to use in other games.” And “here he is now, exactly where he was when he found out he won, at his favorite laptop,” casually scrolling through that very website, of course.

“First, I thought it was some sort of a scam,” says the turtlenecked teen cherub, gurgling through his grin. “But when I learned it wasn’t, I was beside myself with joy!” Has he seen her? “Ah, yes, I have seen her. I liked all of her. Good sizes.” He makes booby-circling motions. “Hmmmehh.” How does he feel? “I am boiling with expectations.” What will he tell her when he meets her? “Hi. I’m that boy that won you.”


Even More PR

Ruslan Shchedrin the boy gamer was quickly identified as Ruslan Shchedrin, the child actor. (Here’s a “sowreel.”) TJ Journal did a rundown of his acting profiles, as well as his sister Dina’s. But the press cycle sadness rolled on because sex might be happening.

LifeNews ran at least two follow-up video pieces — one with the father, creaking about how he will “take possession of the prize himself, as the boy’s legal guardian” and one with porn actress Ekaterina Makarova, discussing the logistics of this “acquisition” (“Will you be picking him up from school?”) and their cultural excursion plans to go the museum and stuff.


The host asked Ekaterina if some video broadcasting should be done so that the public can observe the hotel happenings for the boy’s safety. They don’t want him getting “attached.” Ekaterina said that yes, that’s a good idea and that LifeNews’ audience will appreciate it.

In the astronomically remote chance that this giveaway was real, the organizer is in legal trouble for not publicizing the full rules of the contest, to which the organizer responded, “Well, if authorities are gonna do something about it, we’re going to have even more PR.”

Who you gonna call? Rospotrebnadzor!

The cherry on top of this post-advertising media circus bullshit cake was a statement from Deputy Vitaly Valentinovich Milonov, a Member of the Legislative Assembly of Saint Petersburg for United Russia:

Normal gamers are normal, and they don’t need any porn actresses. This is only for those pimpled Tolkienites who need such accessories. As a gamer myself, I can tell you that contests like these are an embarrassment to all the gamers of the world.

Milonov assures he’s personally urging the government internet watchdog Rospotrebnadzor to look into this. The age of consent in Russia is sixteen. A different politician concluded that if a real life meeting took place, there would be “some” charges.

Screenshot via LifeNews.ru. Contact the author of this post at marina.galperina@gawker.com.