Humans invented weapons in part to equalize the physical differences between us. That’s perfectly understandable. But does your weapon have to be a gun? Chill out. Jesus.

It makes sense for some people to want a weapon. It wouldn’t be fair to let the biggest people in the world be in control of everything just because they could beat everyone up. The group comprising “the biggest people” is not the same as the group comprising “the wisest and fairest and most just people.” It simply wouldn’t do to only have the biggest people in charge. A long time ago, the people who were not the biggest people figured this out. So they got sticks.

Big person trying to take your stuff? Hit em with a stick. Even things out.

Over time we sharpened the ends of the sticks, and invented weapons made out of metal, and on and on. Wars between nations caused by greed and hatred are one dimension of weaponry. Fundamentally, though, weapons are to even out power imbalances between people. Right down to you, the average American, scared to travel through this country or sleep in your bed at night without a weapon nearby.

Maybe you’re a small or medium-sized person. You don’t want a big person to come up and bop you on the head and take all your stuff. Okay, fine. Fair enough. Since the power of persuasion is not always enough, you want to get a weapon to even the odds. Okay, fine. Get yourself a little something.

How about a taser? A taser is nice. Tase the big guy. Zap! Make him fall on the ground. Works great. Or some pepper spray? The hot kind. Right in eyeball. “Ahhh!” he’ll cry, blinded. Then you run away. That’ll teach him.

Not enough? How about a cattle prod? Poke him hard. Bzzzzt! Now that’s a shocker. Knock him right back on his heels. I don’t care how big he is, that’ll do the trick. Need something a little more blunt? Want to send a message? Try some brass knuckles. Or a blackjack. Boom, whack! That’ll leave a mark—a reminder not to mess with people. Message: sent.

Here we have demonstrated that there is a wide array of weaponry available to you, the small or medium-sized person fearful for your own safety. Weaponry that you can use to protect yourself from predators. Weaponry that will serve to even out any size disadvantages you may have when compared to a goon who seeks to do you harm.

Shoot a motherfucker with a tranquilizer dart. Put him to sleep.

It has come to our attention, though, that many of you are taking this idea too far. You have decided to carry a gun. A real gun. A gun that shoots metal bullets that put holes in people and cause them to die. Whoa, now. Whoa. A gun? Is that really necessary? Just because you have an innate and probably only half-rational fear of muggers or home invaders or faceless thugs seeking to take advantage of you, you have to carry a killing machine? Immediately you must take the situation to sudden death? The punishment for anyone crossing you in any way must be a hole in the head? Have you ever suspected that your sense of proportionality might be somewhat out of whack?

Really—you’re gonna shoot someone, with a gun? Instead of a taser, or pepper spray, or bopping them with a stick? This seems a fair and proper response, to you? Does it, really?

You are kind of a maniac. I say that as a concerned fellow citizen.

“Oh, I only carry a gun because other people have guns.” No, that is a reason to have a bulletproof vest. Not a gun. Carrying a gun to shoot people dead at the slightest provocation is still, at its core, insane.

Cool it.

[Photo: Flickr]