Cucumbers: Nothing Tastes As Good as Death Feels
Looking for a low-calorie, refreshing way to hasten your impending death? Why not try a cucumber—an easy way to play Russian dressing roulette with your salad—and your life.
Because these days, it’s a dangerous world out there for the regular eaters of food. There’s listeria in the ice cream, E. coli in the cilantro, salmonella in the cukes. Would it be safer to eat nothing, loading up on essential nutrients intravenously? I’m no doctor and to be quite frank, I have no idea. But maybe? Maybe soylent is the answer. Maybe accepting the idea that you could die at anytime—at your own hand—is the only way to really feel alive.
It’s a lot to chew on.
Still, there are definitely some bad seeds in the kirbies, and they’ve spread across the U.S. via a batch of Mexican “slicer” cucumbers from Andrew and Williamson Fresh Produce, a family business specializing in killer (as well as non-killer) veggies for more than 25 years. And their impressive—and no doubt hard-fought—wholesale distribution contracts have led to hundreds of infections in more than 30 states. (The latest stats, via NBC:)
The number of ill people reported from each state is as follows: Alaska (9), Arizona (66), Arkansas (6), California (72), Colorado (14), Hawaii (1), Idaho (8), Illinois (6), Kansas (1), Kentucky (1), Louisiana (4), Minnesota (12), Missouri (8), Montana (10), Nebraska (2), Nevada (7), New Mexico (18), New York (4), North Dakota (1), Ohio (2), Oklahoma (8), Oregon (8), Pennsylvania (2), South Carolina (7), Texas (18), Utah (30), Virginia (1), Washington (10), Wisconsin (2) and Wyoming (3).
So are you going to die from eating that cucumber? Probably not. But you could. And someday you will. Bon appetit!
