“Fantasy Football” can mean a number of things: A game; a football-related fantasy; your dream football. If this fall it means, for you, “a game,” even though you don’t know too much about football and aren’t sure why you agreed to participate in the fantasy version, I have a few tips.

Listen: It’s not fun to lose. I don’t care if you don’t care about fantasy football. Week after week of losing very badly in fantasy football, even if you’re not really into it, is draining—much more draining than you expect. I can tell you this based on, you don’t know, maybe just a guess. Also it stinks for the other people in the league. Plus it takes a bit of the punch out of your otherwise withering taunts. If you’re going to participate in fantasy football, you might as well give it a little attention and have a little fun rather than a little obligation you hate. Maybe you’ll even win!* Wow. Can you imagine? Everyone will be so impressed—you, a winner.

So here are the tips, then:

Do a Tiny Bit of Research

Not a lot, just look around online and write down the names of a few guys who bloggers are telling you to pick. It doesn’t really matter, and almost certainly some of these guys will end up being shitty, but at least you’ll feel like you have a bit of control during the draft. It’s nice to feel like you’re in control and know what you’re doing, even though in fantasy football, like in life, you aren’t and you don’t.

Have Fun During the Draft

The draft is the most fun you’re going to have during the whole season of fantasy football. You pick guys, sometimes your guy gets picked and you have to find a new guy, you’re clicking around, you’re talking to your friends, you’re eating a snack. I love it. If those in charge of fantasy football were smart, they would figure out some way to have the draft at the end. That way the whole season could build up to your fun draft night. However, it’s not at the end—it is at the very beginning. C’est la vie.

Pick the Guy That’s Not the Best But Is Still Good

The “best” guy might not turn out to be the best. This will be frustrating because, fuck, isn’t he supposed to be the best?! Maybe he was the best last year, and this year he stinks because he’s running around thinking, “I’m the best.” Ugh. The nerve of this guy. The guy who is not the best but is still good, though—well, it seems to me like that guy is probably going to be more consistent. (I don’t know this for a fact.) You’ll at least be less annoyed when he doesn’t turn out to be the best.

Also if you pick a guy who’s not the best but still good, it makes it look like you must know what you’re doing. “Why didn’t she pick so and so, and instead picked so and so? Kelly must know something that I don’t.” It’s not totally necessary that you come off as looking as though you know what you’re doing, but you have to admit that it would be nice.

Still Pick One Guy Who Is Supposed to Be the Best Though

Like Aaron Rodgers.

Download the App

Is your league set up through ESPN or Yahoo or something like that, chances are there is an app for you to download. (Do I know for sure if there is? No. I’m not an expert, I’m an extremely casual participant, just like you. Search for it in the app store. [Except for in the case of ESPN, I’m sure that app exists because that’s the one I have.]) You will have something new to check on your phone now, which is nice.

Never Trade

People are going to get upset when you refuse to trade with them. “Are you serious?” they’ll say. “Trading is part of the whole thing of it!” they’ll say in one way or another, maybe not this way exactly. “Gimme your guy, I’ll give you my guy—an even trade,” they’ll say, lying, right to your face. You don’t know enough to trade. They want your guy? Good—seems like you have a good guy, then. Never trade.

Check Your Lineup Every Week

Every week. Don’t forget. And mess around with it until it looks like you have a chance of winning. If this seems obvious then these tips are not for you and the fact that you didn’t realize that until this point is 100% on you.

Get Rid of Guys Who Consistently Aren’t Good

And pick up guys who are better. It’s not lost on me that some of this is sort of life advice, also.

So, there you go. The end. Touchdown!

GIF by Tara Jacoby. Contact the author at kelly.conaboy@gawker.com.

*If you actually want to win you might need to seek out better tips.